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- 1. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?It had great food, but no atmosphere.
- 2. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
- Because they make up everything!
- 3. What do dentists call their x-rays?
- Tooth pics!
- 4. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
- Nothing, it just waved.
- 5. Do you want to hear a construction joke?
- Sorry, I’m still working on it.
- Clean joke that's funny for adults.
- Unsplash
- 6. Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
- It was in tents!
- 7. Why do ducks have feathers?
- To cover their butt quacks!
- 8. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
- One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
- 9. What does a nosey pepper do?
- It gets jalapeño business.
- 10. Why should you never trust stairs?
- They’re always up to something.
- 11. When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?
- When it becomes apparent.
- Related: Christian Jokes
- 12. Why did the bullet end up losing his job?
- He got fired.
- 13. What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
- Thunderpants
- 14. I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.
- No pun in ten did.
- 15. How do you measure a snake?
- In inches—they don’t have feet.
- 16. Where does a waitress with only one leg work?
- IHOP.
- 17. What does a house wear?
- Address!
- 18. Why are toilets always so good at poker?
- They always get a flush
- 19. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
- Because he Neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)
- 20. You heard the rumor going around about butter?
- Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
- 21. Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’
- The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’
- 22. The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…
- Wait, where are we again?
- 23. I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
- But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
- 24. What do you get from a pampered cow?
- Spoiled milk.
- 25. How does NASA organize a party?
- They planet.
- Unsplash
- 26. What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
- I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
- 27. Why did the bicycle fall over?
- Because it was two-tired!
- 28. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
- Ten tickles
- 29. Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
- Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.
- 30. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.
- I told them, “Just you wait!”
- 31. Why were they called the “dark ages?”
- Because there were a lot of knights.
- 32. What gets wetter the more it dries?
- A towel.
- 33. Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
- They don’t have the right koala-fications.
- 34. You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?
- Them: Mickey Mouse
- You: What duck walks on two feet?
- Them: Donald Duck
- You: No, all ducks do!
- 35. Want to hear a joke about a roof?
- The first one’s on the house.
- 36. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
- You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.
- 37. How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?
- Because they’re always stuffed.
- 38. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
- There was nothing left but de Brie.
- 39. Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?
- The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.
- 40. I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
- I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
- 41. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
- Attire.
- 42. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
- “Make me one with everything.”
- 43. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
- Because they’re really good at it.
- 44. A horse walks into a bar.
- The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
- 45. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
- He ate his pizza before it was cool.
- Unsplash
- 46. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
- Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.
- 47. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
- But hay, it’s in my jeans.
- 48. Why don’t blind people skydive?
- Because it scares their dogs.
- 49. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
- The taste, mostly.
- 50. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
- Then it dawned on me.
- Related: Halloween Jokes
- 51. I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.
- Sadly, no pun in ten did.
- 52. I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.
- But when I got home, the signs were all there.
- 53. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
- He wanted to get a long little doggie.
- 54. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
- Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
- 55. What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
- “Put it on my bill.”
- 56. George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
- Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”
- DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”
- McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”
- 57. A horse walks into a bar.
- The bartender says, “Hey!”
- The horse replies, “Sure.”
- 58. I googled “Rorshach test.”
- But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
- 59. What do we want?
- Low-flying airplane noises!
- When do we want them?
- Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!
- 60. I tried to win a suntanning competition.
- But all I got was bronze.
- 61. What do you call fake spaghetti?
- An impasta!
- 62. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
- Because then they’d be bagels.
- 63. What do you call malware on a Kindle?
- A bookworm.
- 64. Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
- The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
- 65. Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
- Because they’re all shellfish.
- Unsplash
- 66. What did the tie say to the hat?
- You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.
- 67. How do you make a tissue dance?
- Put a little boogie in it.
- 68. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
- Beef jerky.
- 69. I started a new job as a tailor last week.
- It’s been sew-sew.
- 70. What concert only costs 45 cents?
- 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
- 71. What kind of shoes does a spy wear?
- Sneakers.
- 72. I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.
- 73. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
- But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- 74. Why don’t some fish play piano?
- Because you can’t tuna fish!
- 75. My wife accused me the other day of being too immature.
- I told her there were no girls allowed in my fort.
- Clean Jokes for Adults
- 76. Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.
- I still don’t know how I feel about that.
- 77. A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
- 78. I tried to catch fog yesterday.
- Mist.
- 79. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
- 80. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
- You have my Word.
- 81. What do you call a dog with no legs?
- It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.
- 82. You know what they say about cliffhangers…
- 83. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
- Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
- 84. A sandwich walks into a bar.
- The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
- 85. I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.
- I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.
- Unsplash
- 86. The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”
- And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
- That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
- 87. Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?
- He always had his head stuck in the clouds.
- 88. Why are frogs always so happy?
- They eat whatever bugs them.
- 89. Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?
- No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.
- 90. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
- Because he had no body to go with.
- 91. What do you call a musician with problems?
- A trebled man.
- 92. Where do snowmen keep their savings?
- In the snowbank.
- 93. What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?
- A roamin’ Catholic.
- 94. Did you hear about the carrot detective?
- He always got to the root of every case.
- 95. What washes up on very small beaches?
- Micro-waves
- 96. What did one elevator say to the other?
- I think I’m coming down with something.
- 97. What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?
- The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
- 98. What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
- A waist of time.
- 99. Why did the tomato turn red?
- It saw the salad dressing.
- 100. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
- It let out a little wine.
- 101. Why won’t skeletons fight each other?
- They just don’t have the guts.
- For even more laughs and good, clean jokes, check out One-Liners, Funny Quotes, Funny Dad Jokes, Fun Facts, Bad Jokes, Knock Knock Jokes and Trivia for Kids!
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