David Foster Wallace gently leaned back on his office chair.

“I’m a fraud,” he thought to himself. “No one will believe me.”

This was a big day for David Foster Wallace.

“Even if they should believe me- are the consequences worth it?”

David Foster Wallace took a deep gulp from his bottle of whiskey, and dropped it to the carpet.

“Today’s the day,” he thought.

“Today’s the day that I tell people that I am John McCain.”

Of course, the real John McCain would be none the wiser. Hopefully.

Should he become aware of David Foster Wallace’s shenanigans, John McCain would simply be on the receiving end of a lot of “hush money”- in exchange for not blowing David’s cover.

Suddenly, an aggressive knock at David Foster Wallace’s door shook him back to his senses.

It was time.

He pulled himself to his feet. There was another harsh knock at his door - this time accompanied by the instruction to walk outside with his hands up.

So far, it’s all going according to plan.

David Foster Wallace finally reached the roof of his building. Red dots from sniper rifle scopes shakily focused on his forehead and his chest.

David Foster Wallace drew a deep breath, before speaking.

“There are no hostages here!” he called to the military force below.  “I have misled you all!”

A brief wave of confusion and hushed chatter propagated throughout the crowd, before he spoke again.

“I call you all here for something much more important. I have been living a lie in my 56 years on this Earth. I must tell you all that I-”

He paused momentarily, as if to gather the courage needed to complete the most meaningful sentence of his career.

“I am United States Senator John McCain.”

The group of armed officers below him confusedly glanced at each other, before a voice blasting from a megaphone responded- “We have a warrant to search your house. Open up.”

David Foster Wallace knew this would happen. It was an inevitability. Without saying a word, he climbed down from the roof and unlocked his front door.

The officers poured in to search his house for hostages and weapons, but David Foster Wallace - rather than entertain this - went straight to bed. This had been a big day for him, and he could finally sleep easy for the first time in 56 years, knowing that people finally understood that he was John McCain.

David Foster Wallace slept heavily, despite police officers combing through his belongings for several hours. None of them dared to wake him.

When he woke up, he felt better than he ever had before.

The afterglow of a burden lifted.

However, this only lasted for as long as he could turn on his television. He saw report after report of “David Foster Wallace claims to be John McCain- why?”

This was not the outcome he expected. This was never even an option. He forced himself to come to the painful realization-

None of them believed that he was John McCain.