dirkroxy rp jessi

[12/6/2012 10:01 PM] The wall of bright orange text glares at him from his behind shades, angry and unsatisfied, the words are just a garbled mess now and you know what? It doesn't even fucking matter. He's not going to answer, he's going to ignore you, he's going to dump you. Dirk Strider lay sprawled across his bed, a mattress floating on a sea of tangled wires and empty glass bottles. He was too full of alcohol and restless thoughts to fall asleep, had been for days now. He twists and turns and frowns at how impossible it is to be comfortable before giving up on sleep altogether. He finds some sort of comfort in laying on his side, Li'l Cal the small spoon to his big spoon before he opens up Pesterchum again, this time pointedly ignoring the one-sided conversation and devastating lack of green and instead opening a new chat entirely. "hey"

[12/6/2012 10:25 PM] Fidgeting uneasily, she tapped the edges of her phone without actually hitting anything. She'd heard Jane yelling at Jake, so she kinda already... knew what to expect. She still wanted to talk with him, make sure he was okay. Even if it probably meant shoving her own feelings away. Again. Like always. She took a deep breath and went to pester him bu - Oh. He already did. TG: heyyyyyy TG: pesterin me huh TG: must be bored over there - She'd play it cool for now, even though the worried look on her face vastly betryed her carefree typing.

[12/6/2012 10:32 PM] --TT: Nah not broed so much as disconsolate with a side of despondent. id also liek you to note the superfluous use of the d words and the severe lack therof of actually obtaining said d.-- His mind was addled thickly with the white haze of beer, rum, vodka, and anything else he'd been able to alchemize with a meager knowledge on alcohol, making it more than slightly difficult to form any sort of coherency. He clutched Cal tighter to his chest, almost painfully as the pink responded near instantaneously. At least /someone/ wanted to talk to him. --TT: but yeah, guess you could sa yim getting bored over ehre. i imagine you girls are entertaing yourselves alright ony our end?--


[12/6/2012 10:39 PM] She frowned. This didn't seem good. He was typoing almost as bad as Roxy on one of her /good/ days. It was hurtfully endearing how hard he was trying to be witty even in light of what she knew was happening to him. TG: i actually left the uh TG: festivities - Jane had vanished and Roxy felt awkward sitting around by herself, even with Fefetasprite there. She let the sprite sleep, and decided to go for a walk by herself. And... she was very nearby where Dirk was, actually. TG: i'm by myself - She didn't want to mention why Jane had left, that she'd been talking to Jake and what had been said. TG: are you okay? - She hesitated in asking, but she knew it was going to come up. Might as well get it out of the way.

[12/6/2012 10:39 PM] She frowned. This didn't seem good. He was typoing almost as bad as Roxy on one of her /good/ days. It was hurtfully endearing how hard he was trying to be witty even in light of what she knew was happening to him. TG: i actually left the uh TG: festivities - Jane had vanished and Roxy felt awkward sitting around by herself, even with Fefetasprite there. She let the sprite sleep, and decided to go for a walk by herself. And... she was very nearby where Dirk was, actually. TG: i'm by myself - She didn't want to mention why Jane had left, that she'd been talking to Jake and what had been said. TG: are you okay? - She hesitated in asking, but she knew it was going to come up. Might as well get it out of the way.

[12/6/2012 10:48 PM] --TT: Of course im okay why woudnt i be? perfectly fine a okay. never been better. but ive been pretty busy with my own shisht, learning intricacies and ins and outs of lots of illicit subtstances namely one youre fairly well acquainted with.-- He knew Roxy had stopped drinking for all their sakes, and at the time he'd been more than slightly appreciative, but now, he couldn't help but wonder why he'd never partaken in a bit of teenage inebriation? He was just entitled to as she was, if not moreso. Speaking of which, he groped around on the nightstand, the ghost of a smile playing over his lips as soon as his hand came in contact with the cool glass. --TT: but that sucks aboutt he festiivites. Hope crockers doin alright shes a pretty sweet girl all thgns considered.--


[12/6/2012 10:53 PM] She stood, biting her lip. If Dirk was drunk... She felt irrationally responsible. And he wasn't okay. TG: janey can handle herself she knows what she's doin she's p smart TG: hella smart cookie - Not smart enough to take Jake's shit though. It wasn't even Jake's fault. It wasn't Dirk's fault. It was hers for not stepping in sooner, for not doing something when she could have. TG: where are you TG: i'm going to find you TG: haven't seen you in a while i miss you you know - She cringed, having typed and hit enter before allowing herself to think about it. But she couldn't lie to herself. She missed him. The brief moments they'd had together before he and Jake had wandered off were more fulfilling to her than she could have imagined. But at the same time, she hated them. Hated herself. Because she hadn't gotten over her stupid feelings like she'd really, desperately wanted. She still... felt the same way about him.


[12/6/2012 11:00 PM] He read the messages with a degree of incredulity, the bottle's opening resting against his lips as he read them again and again. "I miss you". Why did he wish those were in green? Why did his chest tighten? He took a swig and let his eyes flutter shut as the burn melted away the questions and added to his incoherency. --TT: dDont worry about me rox, seriosuyly, im fine okay-- He glanced down at Cal and shook his head. --TT: realy, im good the gestures really consdierate but its a bit uncessary is all-- He sighed and leveled a serious look on Cal, like he was intent on understanding what the lil dude was trying to tell him. After a moment he let out a frustrated groan and let Cal fall limp on the bed. No, that was a terrible idea. Having Roxy here was a terrible idea. He took another long drink, and then another, and then another, and before long the bottle had joined its brothers on the ground at his side and maybe her coming over wasn't a terrible idea? --TT: my place --


[12/6/2012 11:10 PM] "Dammit Dirk," she whispered to herself. He hadn't learned had he? It was hard to talk her out of something. Anything. "You're drunk and you're not okay." TG: too late TG: worryin bout you TG: stop me - She hated the feeling she was getting. She hated... feeling like she was less important. Which was selfish of her, but ever since they all entered the game she felt herself becoming less and less to everyone. Why had she even stopped drinking? It always helped with things lke this. She wandered to the fenestrated plane after getting his final message, plugging it in and staring down into it. This is the one that led to his house. The one G-Cat sent. She took a deep breath and jumped into it, closing her eyes as she plummeted through the nothingness. Just before she broke through she curled up, the broken glass cutting her dress and stockings a bit. Oh. Apparently he'd moved the window to his roof. It was dark outside; the moonlight reflecting off the water that surrounded his building. She headed down the stairs, leaning against his door gently. Knuckles rapped against it softly. "Dirk?" Pause. "Can I come in?"

[12/6/2012 11:26 PM] His eyes were trained on a single spot on the ceiling, the corner where the wall met the ceiling and he couldn't help but wonder where everything had changed, where everything had taken a turn for such a cataclysmic failure. He was just starting out on a response when he heard a quiet knocking at his door. Wha-? Who was it? Ja...It was Roxy. Duh. Of course it was Roxy, who else would it be? He forced himself up on the bed, inadvertently pushing Cal off the bed. He didn't bother to pick him up, Cal would understand. Doing his best to walk in a straight line Dirk side-stepped all the bottles and wires, careful not to trip as he pulled open the door. There she was, just like he expected. He hadn't seen her in ages and not a whole lot had changed save for the transition from her usual white clothes to something a lot more...promiscuous to say the least. "Shouldn't've come, definitely told you not to," he mumbled in a weak attempt to hide the slurring. There was no amount of mumbling in the world that could hide the slurring. His voice was rough from disuse and he wished for a second that none of this had happened, that he wasn't like this, but he pushed that thought away and gestured vaguely inside his disaster zone of a room. "Make yerself at home."

[12/6/2012 11:36 PM] She frowned up at him, her lips in a shiny pout of black. "Fuck you, Dirk." That was her reply to his warding off of  her. Shouldn't have come. Fuck that. She shuffled past him, hand covering her mouth a little at the spread before her. Bottles and wires everywhere. She blushed. "Reminds me of home." How her room always looked; except it was empty bottles of top-shelf gin and vodka, not beer. Abandoned computer hacking exploits would litter her floor. Broken makeup caked into the carpet. She could smell the alcohol on him and it reminded her so much of her past it made her sick. Even now, though, with the oppressing situation, she wanted to drink again. She turned to face him, looking him in the eye. As much as she could with his glasses on. "Talk to me, Dirk." A bitter smile crept onto her face. "Or at least offer me a drink." To hell with sobriety. Things were way too fucked up for her to care about her health.

[12/6/2012 11:43 PM] He tsked at her, clicking his tongue insistently and marveling at the way the sound seemed to resound in his own head. "Nah girly you gotta stay sober. Though you promised Janey you would?" He moved languidly, relaxed and almost careless, except that he was Dirk Strider and even in the worst of circumstances he was never careless. Dirk spread himself out over his bed, motioning for her to join him before gesturing to a bottle that stoof upright on his desk. "There's prob'ly some still in there if you /really/ hafta drink it. Shit's nasty to Hell an' back though, can't alchemize booze apparently," he laughed bitterly before letting his eyes shut under the cover of tinted glass. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and it was almost terrifying to not be in control, but terror bordered with excitement and all he wanted was a rush now. "Remind me again why you're here? I mean, let's be real for a sec, haven't seen you in months. Why stop when I'm obviously the shittiest friend you could ask for?" His tongue fumbled with the words, the syllables, tripping over consonants and making vowels feel foreign, god this was weird. Weird in the best way he could imagine.


[12/6/2012 11:52 PM] She walked over to the desk and picked up the bottle, glancing at the label with a half-alchemized label. It looked like when one of her older games glitched; colours running together and not looking quite right. She sniffed it. It sure smelled awful. But sometimes the most awful booze tasted the best, and she took a sip. Shuddered. After being sober for so long it was a harsh re-baptism, and she coughed, walking over to his bed. "You're not the shittiest friend," she replied in a harsh tone, trying to cope with the burn of the alcohol. She wanted to be drunk again. Even if nine times out of ten it was because she was depressed or unreasonably pissed off about something, she liked having to not care. "I'm here because I miss you. And care about you." 'And I'm worried about you.' 'And I love you.' She reached out to gently touch his leg, letting her hand rest upon it. "So deal with it, asshole."

[12/7/2012 3:03 PM] "Well that makes an astounding total of one, congrats on bein' alone on the SS Give a Shit About Dirk," he said. His voice wavered almost imperceptibly and he cringed. This wasn't the Dirk he was supposed to be, the stoic, in-control, puppeteer mastermind that everyone expected him to be. He hated it. Maybe that's why Jake was ignoring him, because he sucked and couldn't do what they expected of him anymore. It was stupid and wrong to think like that, but what if? He heaved another sigh, more to himself than to his one-woman audience this time and opened his eyes to see her shadowy form on his bed, at his side, her hand on him. Slight though it was, he wasn't going to deny how great it was to have other people touch you, after growing up alone, he hadn't realized just how starved he'd been for physical contact. Hell, the first time he hugged Jake he practically went into a sensation-induced coma. He propped himself up on his elbows to stare at her with a hollow look. "You seriously don't have to be here. I get it, we're gonna break up an' you think li'l ol' me's gonna go off the deep end because of it. Again, I 'preciate your concern but I'm not a damsel waitin' for her distress. I'll just break it off first," he explained. A pang of pain racked through his chest at the thought and he swallowed thickly. "I'll do it preemptively," he repeated, again more to himself than to her.

[12/7/2012 5:07 PM] Frowning again, she rubbed his leg gently as if to assure him that she was actually here, and that she was here of her own volition. Because she cared. She was always on that ship. It was difficult to see him like this; difficult to see him hurting and beating himself up over something that he really had no control over. It wasn't his fault. Her eyes matched his as he looked up at her, Roxy blinking in mild confusion. She opened her mouth to interject a time or two but was always cut off, closing it again and glancing away momentarily. "I want to be here," she finally managed shakily. "Not because of what's happening or going to happen." Did she come here to finally tell him? Should she? "I'm here because you're you. And you can deny it all you want but you know you and I have something between us." Callie had called it a 'moiraillegence', but Roxy knew it was more than that. She left the 'something' as an ominous statement purposely. "...as hard as it is to believe, I'm not going to sit here hoping you break up with Jake. I understand what you're going through, Dirk." She pulled her hand away. "I grew up by myself, too." She had the carapacians, but they weren't people. Hugging Jane had a similar effect on her. But, unlike Dirk, she didn't have anyone's loving embrace to look forward to upon entering. She was, as she always had been, alone.

[12:05:46 AM] Jessi: He didn't say anything, probably because he knew that she was right, they'd both grown up on their own, they knew just how intoxicating the touch of another living, breathing human being could be. He knew that she was right, that there HAD been something, even if he tried his hardest to ignore it when he knew that he had feelings for Jake. Well, still did have feelings for Jake. Probably. He just shook his head, trying to clear his mind of the haze no to avail. "I'm sorry," he said, finally breaking the terse silence that'd built up between them. "I know, you're right. Usually are." The last words were a mumbled admission but they had been said none the less. "I'm sorry." It was now that he sat up fully, moving to pull her into a hug. The rush was still there, always was. Feeling someone else's warmth pressed against you made your head spin, even more than the alcohol did and letting go was not a part of his agenda. He just held her, his hands wrapped tightly around her back, his fingers splayed to cover more area, to feel more of her. To know that she was alive and well now. He'd seen her dead once and that was one more time than he had ever hoped he'd have to. "I'm sorry." The words were lost in her hair as he whispered them. He just needed her to understand that he was here now, he was here for her just as she'd always been for him. "I'm sorry."

[12:18:09 AM] insomniacMercury: Shaking her head, she sighed. Why sorry? He should have been apologizing to himself, not her. "Damn straight," she murmured. She was usually right! It was about fucking time someone noticed it. How many times had she tried to tell people things that were ignored and then everyone was in trouble? A lot. But that was neither here nor there. She cringed at the next apology, wanting to get mad at him but - oh, oh no. He was hugging her. She felt herself stiffen. Roxy didn't want this to happen. She didn't want him holding her close, being warm and protective and smelling so good even under the familiar stench of alcohol. H-he kept apologizing. It was the single most pathetic thing she'd ever experienced in her entire life and Roxy Lalonde felt a sting in her eyes that she hadn't felt in a while; felt the warmth of tears welling with every apology he issued. "Stop-" But her voice cracked and so did her composition; the carefully constructed wall she'd built around herself to prepare for heartache and loneliness and pain and neglect was crumbling as he held her. Against her will she felt her arms lift around him, her heart nervously fluttering in her chest. She couldn't do this. She couldn't be given hope to have it be ripped away again. She needed... more to drink.

[12:05:46 AM] Jessi: Reluctantly and with lingering touches he disentangled himself from her, coughing slightly to cover up the awkward silence that was threatening to build. "Sorry," he repeated, for the last time that night, he promised himself. "Have you ever felt that perhaps you've been deluding yourself into doing something? I can't help but feel that Jake deluded himself into thinking that he wanted to be with me. If anything my coercion only served to further his own self-induced feelings. He was, basically, my puppet." Dirk pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes before groaning. "I didn't deserve him, still don't. That's probably what he realized and why he's not answering me." He reasoned everything out and spit balled ideas at Roxy, possible problems that Jake might've encountered, possible thought processes he went though. Everything. It was more than a little strange, discussing everything he'd felt over the last five months with someone who he'd praactically ignored during those same months, but it was cathartic and he sat on the edge of the bed with her, shoulders barely brushing as he spewed the seemingly endless tale. "What do you think?" He finally asked, giving her a chance to speak.

[12/9/2012 11:56:32 PM] insomniacMercury: Pulled away from she awkwardly hugged her own shoulders, staring off at anything that wasn't his face. Absently she wiped under her eyes, catching the tears that were threatening to fall and completely shatter her façade. Another silence fell over her as she listened to him, staring off and letting her hands fall to her lap so she could wring them. Patiently letting him throw his daggers at her while she did her best to dodge every emotional blow. Still, save her nervously wringing hands. Silent, save the infrequent and quiet clearings of her throat. Why had she come here? What had she wanted to accomplish? Every fiber of her being screamed that she wanted to tell him to break it off, give up hope, that Jake was a jerk and that the only reason he had agreed to date Dirk is because he felt like he had to. Jake didn't deserve Dirk. He never would. Jungle boy would never be good enough for coolkid Strider. Even if Roxy never filled that role, even if she continued to watch from the shadows and dictate things from the solitude of her lonely life... If Jake wasn't a part of Dirk's, in the romantic way, she felt like she might be happy. What was that Dirk was saying about delusions? When he finally stopped, finally relented his assault, Roxy took a breath. Would she let her emotions take over? Or could Roxy Lalonde actually manage diplomacy? "I think you should wish Janey a happy birthday." That... wasn't what she'd wanted to say. "Because Jake didn't." Her hands stilled in her lap and she watched them, sighing quietly. "I don't know what you actually want me to say. Do you want me to agree with you? Do you want me to tell you you're a horrible person?" She looked over at him, finally, her brows pinched slightly. She was in a pain that she'd never tell anyone. "I can't do either."

[12:05:46 AM] Jessi: When his tirade ended he was emotionally drained and the only things that came from his lips were short incoherent sentences. "No, I want to know what you really think. Why you think he dropped me like I was a hot potato that did him the fucking unjustice of burning his perfect hands. If he really disliked me enough to abruptly sever all connections then why would be bother with me in the first place? Am I really in the wrong for worrying here? What if he's gone missing or died? He's forgotten his mask before, several times in fact and do you know how heavy he is when he passes out? Hint: Really fucking." Dirk let out another exasperated groan before his eyes locked with Roxy's (not that she would ever know). "Do you think I should back off? Give him space? Maybe consider just ending this bullshittery once and for all?" He hands carded through his own hair before he reached out to swipe a stray lock from her face. "I'll be sure to pester Jane later though. Won't forget. Set at least a dozen alarms." His voice, thankfully, remained as steady as it always was. The emotional toil faded as he sipped steadily from the bottle, lines blurring and fading until he hardly realized he was grasping for her hand. He just needed..something. God, fucking bless Roxy. She knew exactly what he was going through, she always knew what to do, even if she couldn't find the words. Just being here, wow. He debated it for a moment before leaning in to kiss her on the cheek, lingering maybe a second more than absolutely necessary. "Thanks, Rox. I owe you one." Looking back on it, she was always the one he'd gone to in dire times of need and just like always, there she was. By his side.

[12:18:09 AM] insomniacMercury: Taking a deep breath she held it for a moment, then let it out in a long, silent sigh.  "He's not dead," she assured quietly, her gaze slipping from his to watch the floor at her feet. Not knowing what to tell him was gnawing at her; a steady and dull pain at the back of her head and the pit of her stomach. Wanting to tell him to give up, wanting to tell him to break it off even though she knew for as much as Jake didn't deserve him, she didn't either. She never would. "If it bugs you this much... maybe you should just..." She couldn't say it. She couldn't tell him to break up with him. It was selfish. Even if it was the best decision. Better for Dirk to break up with him than have Jake break up with him, right? Roxy knew everything. She knew what Jake had said to Jane, why he DID start dating Dirk. "End it." Her words were a hollow whisper and she had a hard time believing she had even said it since it was so unlike her to do something for her own benefit. She felt his pathetic attempts at holding her hand and she grabbed it, holding it against the comforter on his bed. The lump rose in her throat again; her eyes stung and - oh, no. If he'd lingered a moment longer he'd have felt the equally as pathetic little tears that had decided to give away her lack of composer by running down her face. "Yeah." Her voice cracked again. Roxy couldn't handle this. The grip she had on his hand was so tight her knuckles were white, and he could probably feel her trembling. "Any time, Dirk."

Maybe it was the alcohol that hid her emotions from him, despite being blatant as day, or maybe it was the fact that he couldn't handle it and blocked it out. Regardless of whatever kept him from noticing, he just nodded solemnly at his side. "I thought so too. The fact that I'm an incompetent boyfriend really does nothing to help my self esteem though," he laughed bitterly. He wrapped an arm around Roxy, as drunk now on sensation as he was on the shitty vodka. "I'm going to cordially apologize for forcing you to stick with me all these years. Despite my penchant for acting like a jackass the majority of the time." He removed his arm from around her, shifting to lie on his back. "C'mere." His hand enclosed her wrist, pulling her down beside him. The only other person who'd ever shared his bed was Jake and he sort of missed having someone else there next to him. Waking up with nobody except Cal was sort of depressing now that he'd experienced having someone there. "What about you? I've spent all this time, wasted it rather, talking about me. What about you?" His fingers intertwined with his and something in his chest tightened from the small comfort of having a real person next to him, a real hand in his, even if it wasn't marked with the same rough callouses from the pistols and vine-swinging that Jake did, even if the fingers were more slender and the skin softer than Jake's. It was nice.

[2:36:39 AM] insomniacMercury: It was either frustrating or hurtful that he didn't realize how perfect he actually was; how much he deserved in spite of being needy and maybe a little bit controlling and too fucking sexy for his own good. Why couldn't it be her? She understood what he was going through. She understood why he was needy. She could be everything he needed and he didn't realize it. Another pang in her chest resounded at the arm around her and she froze once more, shaking her head stiffly. "N-no, I-" But he was pulling her and she whimpered almost imperceptibly, landing gently next to him, almost spooning his side. Her façade cracked a little more but she said nothing about it, instead letting him hold her hand again as she watched their fingers with a bleak, defeated look. He asked her, and she bit her lip; head resting on his chest and smearing makeup and tears onto it. No doubt he felt them. She couldn't tell him. She didn't want to. It wouldn't help anything and it wouldn't make her feel better and it wouldn't matter and fuck she was crying more against him. But she'd gotten so good at crying silently over the years, so her mother wouldn't hear her and she could do it for hours in privacy. Funnily enough over the same damn thing she was crying over now. "Th-the usual," she attempted quietly. But the usual for her used to be boozing it up. "Figuring stuff out... I'm still n-not 100% on everything, but I think I'll be okay." She was lying, but hey. It's what she did. As long as everyone else was surviving, she'd be okay.

[9:23:09 PM] insomniacMercury: Oh no. She hadn't wanted him to notice. It was almost painfully obvious though and she wished she could have just kept it in. Strong, emotionless Roxy Lalonde. Could handle anything and help everyone even at the expense of her own feelings. It's what she always did. It's what she was used to. Try to get her to talk about her feelings and she'd divert the subject anywhere else; laugh it off and pretend that she didn't have emotions. "N-no, I'm fff-" But she couldn't lie anymore; she couldn't lie to Dirk, drunk and emotional and right in front of her. Holding her and making things worse and better at the same time. Her hands balled into fists and they rest against his chest, wanting to hit him to make him leave her alone but that was a bad idea, him being anywhere other than right here was such a bad idea and she didn't want it. She shuddered and cried harder in his embrace, shaking her head and trying to think of something to say. Something that Roxy would say to chase the bad feelings off and be herself again. Should she tell him? That the only person hurting her was him? She looked up at him, trying to stop her stupid emotional outburst, trying to control herself and be calm and strong for her friend. Friend. "It's n-nothing, really, I-" She took a deep, shaking breath. Roxy couldn't lie to herself anymore. "I just d-don't know what to do."

[9:49:32 PM] Jessi: "Bullshit. It's not nothing. You don't cry over nothing." Roxy was strong, probably stronger than he was, the fact that she was crying scared him. This shouldn't be happening, she didn't deserve to cry, ever. She should be smiling like she always was. "Roxy, look at me." He put his other hand to mirror the first, her face completely framed by his fingers. "Tell me what's wrong. What don't you know to do?" He licked his lips apprehensively, whatever it was, he would fix it. Or he'd die trying. This was his best friend they were talking about (not counting Jake because boyfriends had a category of their own even if boyfriend wasn't really the right term anymore?? He didn't know but now wasn't the time to think about it.) Wordlessly he wrapped his arms around her again, this time letting her literally cry on his shoulder. She was smaller than Jake was, softer, warmer. Somehow, she was more receptive now than he really ever had been, and that hurt. Maybe Dirk was the one deluding himself about their relationship from the start? Dirk shook his head, clearing it of any thoughts before squeezing Roxy. "Don't do this to yourself, whatever you're forcing yourself to endure, it's obviously not worth it anymore. Just let it out. Let everything out."

[10:09:13 PM] insomniacMercury: No, she cried over plenty of things. Plenty of things being Dirk. When he made her look at him she tried as hard as she could to not look at his eyes. She couldn't.  Don't make her - "D-deal with this, I can't-" Her hands held onto his wrists, fingers trembling. He was being too supportive, too oblivious and nice and comforting. And friendly. She couldn't take it. Grateful when he pulled her close again, she clung to him and cried harder, smearing more makeup on him and weakly gripping into his shirt. It wasn't fair to Dirk for her to be acting this way when he was in turmoil himself. About her stupid feelings she shouldn't have. But it was getting so hard to forget herself, forget her place. That's where the alcohol had come in. It helped her be okay with everything; okay with being second fiddle to literally everyone and a fourth wheel on the awkward tricycle that was her circle of friends. Jane and Jake. Dirk and Jake. Jake and Jane. And then there was Roxy, off to the side, lonely and smiling bitterly that everyone had someone to admire. Was it worth it, still? To hide everything? To keep it bottled up? What did it matter? Nothing would come of it. "It's n-not fair," she whispered, shaking her head. "I sh-shouldn't feel this way. It's so p-pointless, you know? I c-can't do this t-to you."

[11:05:55 PM] Jessi: "Fuck fair, none of this is fair. Life isn't fair, this game isn't fair. You deserve to be selfish, in fact I'm going to insist on it. What do you want? Better yet, what do you need right now?" His voice was barely above a whisper, pointed and intense as he held her. Slowly he let her ease herself from his embrace and they sat close together on the bed. He could barely make sense of the situation and all he knew was that he needed more to drink. So he grabbed the nearest bottle, one from the ground and finished whatever was left in it with a single gulp. It burned the entire way down and he loved it. He felt like he was floating, skimming the edges of the clouds with his fingertips and then suddenly he was back in his room, dark and small, cluttered with the refuse of budding alcoholism. Before he quite knew what he was doing, his hands were at her face again and he might've mouthed a quick sorry before he pressed his lips to hers. Close-mouthed and chaste, sweet and bitter in more ways than one. The acrid taste of poorly alchemized alcohol was wet on his lips but he hardly registered it, only wallowing in the sensation of her heat and how different it was from Jake's. He didn't want to leave her but he did, and all too soon. "You can trust me." He said simply as they broke apart and his hand fell to the bed between them both. "Promise."

[11:28:14 PM] insomniacMercury: The sound of her heart pounding rang in her ears, a chill running down her spine. God, she needed - a stiff fucking drink. Even stone-cold sober she could admit to herself she needed booze; needed attention. Love. Needed his hands all over her, needed to curl against him and feel the extra heat his inebriated body gave off. Needed it to envelop her, make her feel like a goddess. Because stone-cold sober Roxy couldn't handle the kissing, couldn't handle the holding or the affection or the platonic friendship support. She needed to feel like everything was purely for her benefit, that way she could pretend he was actually as in love with her as she was with him, and by the time she woke up her hangover would be pressing enough to make her forget that he wasn't. Selfishness was the biggest benefit of being drunk. Everything belonged to Roxy in her inebriation. Sober, she knew better. The alcohol left a taste on her lips and she yearned for it, resisting the urge to look around and find more. She should have brought some. Eyes lifted to his again and suddenly his shades made her so angry that she couldn't even appreciate the promise of trust - she tore them off his face so she could stare into his eyes, studying them and searching for any trace of a lie, any trace of insincerity. When she found none, she gingerly fingered the lenses she held, watching them in her grip. "I don't know how to tell you I'm in love with you and I have been since I met you. I never did. I drank to cope with the fact that you'd never love me the same way. I stopped before it killed me but it was the worst decision I've ever made." /I need you to love me. Please god I need you to love me./

[10:32:55 PM] Jessi: Somehow, he knew that's what she would say. A small voice in the back of his head let loose a thunderous "Ha! I told you so!" and he fought the urge to cringe. Oh god. What was he doing? The small voice seemed to echo on the inside of his brain, reverberating off every sable cloud of muddy intoxication and he dropped his hands from her, letting them fall limp in his lap. "Oh." That's all he said, oh. It's not like his brain had much of an inclination to be any more eloquent anyway. The most articulate thing he could think to say was, "I'm sorry." Damn, he'd promised to stop apologizing, hadn't he? Oh well. What valence did false promises even hold for him anymore? "Roxy." The words didn't come, leaving him isolated and abandoned on the island of silence. "I." More silence. The echoing voice screamed at him to do something, to act on it, to make the girl who was torn up inside, whole. He fought it, because he knew it was wrong. He was still with Jake...sort of. Jake. The very same Jake who'd spent the better part of a week ignoring him, pretending like Dirk didn't exist. Was Roxy right? Did he deserve more than that? Dirk looked up at Roxy, vivid orange clashing with equally bright (albeit a bit teary) pink. "Roxy." He repeated her name, this time with clarity and lucidity unparalled. He could see it now, see her, see how broken she was and how he could fix it. It was in this fleeting flirtation with light did he lean forward, pressing his lips to her again. Admittedly, it was a bit clumsy, much more so than he normally would've been, but maybe circumstances would permit that for once? His arms reached around her waist, pulling her closer. Soft and feminine and very...Roxy. Thoughts of Jake evaporated, at least for now.

[10:44:02 PM] insomniacMercury: She couldn't look at him. She couldn't lift her eyes or face to look him in the eye to even pretend to care what he had to say. She did, though. She cared and she wanted to listen but she found it so goddamn hard when he'd just talk and fucking talk on and on about Jake and wouldn't even.... wouldn't even pretend to listen to her, to her problems, to admit that she had something wrong and that it was his fault. At least a little. She'd always been here for him and he'd lways overlooked her. Never really paid attention to her. But hey, that was okay! Roxy was used to it! Roxy's job was to sit back and roll over and let everyone else be happy instead of herself. That's how it worked. He said her name again in that frustratingly low voice and it just made her angry. "What?" Her voice was irritated and she didn't care. It was about time she stood up for herself! Yeah! More for Roxy! ...but then he was kissing her and she'd be a fucking liar if she didn't admit that it cracked her mask that much more. She dropped his glasses and clutched her own chest a little, not wanting to be pulled into the lie again. Don't fall for it Roxy. Be strong. Don't let yourself get hurt again.
[10:58:02 PM] Jessi: He pulled away when all she did was sit there, like she didn't want him to touch her. He withdrew accordingly, keeping a distinct line of space between them as he met her gaze with confusion, wordlessly asking, "I thought you wanted this?" He didn't know what she wanted, fuck if he knew what /he/ wanted anymore. All he knew was that the voice in his head was awfully insistent and something felt right about kissing her. He blinked at her pointedly before reaching by his feet and pulling another almost empty bottle. He eyed the blurry label and shrugged before downing the rest of the bottle in three quick chugs. The burning was a great tool to wipe away any guilt he'd felt about kissing her and even encouraged him to go for one last kiss. Last kiss for tonight, he promised himself with another half-hearted promise before letting the glass slip from his grasp and join its twins on the carpet. No words, just hungry clashes of his lips against hers, probing and questioning. Why was she acting like that? Wasn't this...wasn't he..? He let the thoughts fade away as they were wont to do with a head full of alcohol. "Roxy," he murmured against her, substantiating her existence with a single breathy sigh of her name. She was real, and here, and warm, and oh so very sweet.

[11:09:19 PM] insomniacMercury: Instantly feeling bad for denying him, she shook her head. She didn't want him to do it because he felt obligated. She didn't want him to do what Jake had done. Thinking like that made her feel worse, and she wanted nothing more than to pull her knees to her chest, curl into a tight ball, and just cry herself to sleep. Like the good old days, before the game, before any of this shit happened. She did want it. But she didn't want it to be forced. And when she was kissed again she wanted to scream - but she didn't, instead letting her hands rest against his chest while he spoke. She looked him in the eyes. Held his cheeks in her hands. In a motion she was straddling his lap, ass resting on his knees. "Dirk..." It was full of pain and selfish yearning. She wished she was drunk. She wished she could be full of alcohol and no worries and no pain. Thumbs brushed his cheeks, feeling the warmth of the alcohol under them. "I love you." It was the most honest thing she'd said to him tonight. Second most, if you counted the admission from a few minutes ago. "You don't have to love me back." She kissed him them of her own volition, chastely and tenderly. "Don't make a stupid mistake just to make some dumb girl happy." As badly as she wanted him to make a dumb mistake... She wanted what he wanted. It was simple as that. "Tell me what you want." She'd do her best to make it happen. She'd bitchslap Jake, she'd run away and hide forever. Whatever it took.

[12/13/2012 11:36:13 PM] Jessi: Ugh, this wasn't working. His head was starting to thrum with the complete loss of self that accompanied alcohol as a perpetual companion and that was never a good sign. Words escaped him and failed to do anything but irritate him. She kept doing that thing, the words thing, the one that directly impeded his ability to solicit kisses from her lips and that irritated him. "Stop...talkin'," he managed after a moment of listening to her speech. It wasn't like that, she wasn't a girl he pitied, ever. If anything, he suspected her of pitying him more often than not. He wished that his thoughts could be molded into a verbal form but that wasn't in the cards for right now, now, there were only kisses. Once more he kissed her, once more he broke a promise he knew he wouldn't be able to keep. "You. I want you," he said. Or at least maybe he said it. His ears pounded with a rush of blood and for all he knew, it was in his head. But one thing was for sure, and that was he could definitely get used to the feel of her udnerneath his hands, of her lips pressed against his even if it did seem a bit reluctant. He was more insistent this time, his tongue swiping along her bottom lip and his hands resting on her hips. He squirmed and readjusted himself on the bed until he could hold her comfortably against him, her heat radiating just as strongly as his. She was intoxicating.

[12/13/2012 11:59:46 PM] insomniacMercury: Frowning, she folded her arms. Did he just tell her to stop talking? How fucking rude. She couldn't be mad at him, though. She guessed. She did pity him a lot, in a way. For all the shit that had happened to him and would happen to him. For growing up alone. For growing up alone, scared, and without any guidance aside his best judgement. For having his guardian die, as hers did. Did she owe him this? Did she owe herself this, for being of a similar fate and lifestyle? Did they owe it to themselves? Her reception of his next kiss wasn't as disinterested as the last ones; and she even leaned into it a little bit but wasn't... entirely okay. "Are you sure, Dirk?" She was doing that talky thing again, and fuck him if he didn't want her to. This was more important to her than the drunk boy could ever fathom; more important to not only herself, but him as well. Her thumbs continued to brush his cheeks tenderly, wishing for the life of her that she was drunk and he was sober, saying these things to her and touching her like that. What was he going to do about Jake? Furthermore, where was this going to lead - and how was he going to feel about it, later?

[12:10:51 AM] Jessi: In truth, he heard every word she said and commited it to memory, it was a habit of his. Even in his current state, even if his body wasn't really doing what he wanted, even if his decisions weren't exactly great, he understood and heard every word. She was hesitant though, and that was the one thing he couldn't figure out. He wanted this, or at least he believed he did, so why didn't she want it anymore? He let out a low frustrated growl and only leaned more into her, pulling her closer. She wanted this, he was almost sure of it, and yeah, he wasn't going to deny that it felt nice and was mind-numbing to have a real live person pressed against him. "So fuckin' sure, Roxy, just trust me," he mumbled in a voice laced with exasperation. Jake popped up again in his head but why worry about him now when the only pressing matter right now was her? The girl in his arms? His mind hazed over in a pleasant static of nothingness, letting him free from worries and cares like Jake or Jane or anyone but Roxy. Screw them. He could worry about them later. That was the exact mindset that urged him to push her onto the bed so that he leaned over her, the one that told him to shower her with kissed on her shoulders and her neck and her jaw. The same one that told him 'Yeah, you might love her. Just maybe.'

[10:56:06 PM] insomniacMercury: She bit her lip nervously, her mind spinning at a sickening pace. She wanted it. She really did. She wished it was an easier decision to make though; between her selfish desires and Dirk drunkely making advances claiming it's what he wanted she was at a total loss. It was hard to trust him when he sounded like that; looked and smelled like that. Like a New York taxi on new years. He didn't want this but he was just going to push it - and maybe if she could get drunk on the feelings of being touched by the one other person in the entire world that she would give her life for. The one person that she'd ever felt so connected with. The only person that made her so sick she nearly killed herself with alcohol. On her back, she stared up at him; a pained want in her eyes. Could she let herself forget? Could she let him make this mistake? "I trust you," she echoed in a voice that was as serious as she could make it. She trusted him with her life, and with making his own decisions. Her hands found his, and she laced their fingers. She could forget. She could forget. She had to.

[12/15/2012 11:48:02 PM] Jessi: Delicate fingers interwove themselves between his own and he smiled against her lips, thatta girl. Slowly but surely she was getting the hang of it and so was he. With time came confidence, and with confidence came sloppier, drunk kisses. She tasted of familiarity and consistency, steadfastness and sugar. Everything about her was so Roxy and distinctly not Jake that he let every thought of the brunette slip through his metaphorical fingers like water. Her name pounded like a drumbeat in his head, overtaking his every sense and drowning him in sensation. Perfection was what this was. Time flew past them, uncounted and uncared for as he took and she gave. She trusted him and his chest tightened. She understood and she was here. It wasn't long until one hand disentangled itself from hers and slid down her side, teasingly slow and barely there. He fought to keep himself composed, too distracted by the everything happening all at once to be particularly careful with either his caress or his kiss.

[12:00:27 AM] insomniacMercury: Roxy was going to let this happen. As a lesson, she figured - after Dirk got done with her, he'd realize that she wasn't worth it and he'd go back to Jake and tell him off and then go back to being a perfect, sexy loner again. He didn't need anyone. Least of all her. She sighed quietly, kissing him back with vigor and trying to make it as convincing as possible. Even if his mouth was like a magic wand to making her melt on his bed, and giving her what she needed. It was easy to pretend. Too easy. But only because it's what she wanted for so long. She let him let go of her hand, reluctant but understanding - the rough grip on her hip made her gasp. She never imagined being handled so roughly would feel so good. Her now free hand came to his cheek, fingertips pressing into his jaw as a low, loving coo escaped into their mouths. She needed this as much as he did, as bad as she felt for it. She needed the attention, the comfort - she needed to be needed. The kiss was broken for just a moment - "I love you, Dirk." Once again her voice was serious. If he was going to pursue this, he needed to understand every aspect of it.