Guards Guards - Rights

There was a rattle beside them. A small avalanche of plaster and thatch rolled down. The rubble heaved, and opened one eye. One big black pupil floating in a bloodshot glow tried to focus on them.

“We must be mad,” said Vimes.

“Oh, no, sir,” said Carrot. “There's plenty of precedents. In 1135 a hen was arrested for crowing on Soul Cake Thursday. And during the regime of Psy-choneurotic Lord Snapcase a colony of bats was executed for persistent curfew violations. That was in 1401. August, I think. Great days for the law, they were,” said Carrot dreamily. “In 1321, you know, a small cloud was prosecuted for covering the sun during the climax of Frenzied Earl Hargath's investiture ceremony.”

“I hope Colon gets a move on with-” Vimes stopped. He had to know. “How?” he said. “What can you do to a cloud?”

“The Earl sentenced it to be stoned to death,” said Carrot. “Apparently thirty-one people were killed.” He pulled out his notebook and glared at the dragon.

“Can it hear us, do you think?” he said.

“I suppose so.”

"Well, then.'' Carrot cleared his throat and turned back to the stunned reptile. “It is my duty to warn you that you are to be reported for consideration of prosecution on some or all of the following counts, to whit: One, (One) i, that on or about 18th Grune last, in a place known as Sweetheart Lane, the Shades, you did unlawfully vent flame in a manner likely to cause grievous bodily harm, in contravention of Clause Seven of the Industrial Processes Act, 1508; AND THAT, One, (One) ii, that on or about 18th Grune last, in a place known as Sweetheart Lane, the Shades, you caused or did cause to cause the death of six persons unknown-”

Vimes wondered how long the rubble would hold the creature down. Several weeks would be necessary, if the length of the charge sheet was anything to go by.

The crowd went silent. Even Sybil Ramkin was standing in astonishment.

"What's the matter?'' said Vimes to the upturned faces. "Haven't you ever seen a dragon being arrested before?

“-Sixteen (Three) ii, on the night of Grune 24th last, you did flame or cause to flame those premises known as the Old Watch House, Ankh-Morpork, valued at two hundred dollars; AND THAT, Sixteen (Three) iii, on the night of Grune 24th last, upon being apprehended by an officer of the Watch in the execution of his duty-”

“I think we should hurry up,” whispered Vimes. “It's getting rather restive. Is all this necessary?”

“Well, I believe one can summarise,” said Carrot. “In exceptional circumstances, according to Bregg's Rules for-”

“It may come as a surprise, but these are exceptional circumstances, Carrot,” said Vimes. “And they're going to be really astonishingly exceptional if Colon doesn't hurry up with that rope.”

***

Guards Guards - p331-332