And in the Forest of Skund Twoflower and Rincewind settled down to a
meal of gingerbread mantlepiece and thought longingly of pickled onions.
And far away, but set as it were on a collision course, the greatest hero the
Disc ever produced rolled himself a cigarette, entirely unaware of the role that
lay in store for him.
It was quite an interesting tailormade that he twirled expertly between his
fingers because, like many of the wandering wizards from whom he had
picked up the art, he was in the habit of saving dogends in a leather bag and
rolling them into fresh smokes. The implacable law of averages therefore
dictated that some of that tobacco had been smoked almost continuously for
many years now. The thing he was trying unsuccessfully to light was, well,
you could have coated roads with it.
So great was the reputation of this person that a group of nomadic
barbarian horsemen had respectfully invited him to join them as they sat
around a horseturd fire. The nomads of the Hub regions usually migrated
rimwards for the winter, and these were part of a tribe who had pitched their
felt tents in the sweltering heatwave of a mere –3 degrees and were going
around with peeling noses and complaining about heatstroke.
The barbarian chieftain said: ‘What then are the greatest things that a man
may find in life?’ This is the sort of thing you’re supposed to say to maintain
steppe-cred in barbarian circles.
The man on his right thoughtfully drank his cocktail of mare’s milk and
snowcat blood, and spoke thus: ‘The crisp horizon of the steppe, the wind in
your hair, a fresh horse under you.
’
The man on his left said: ‘The cry of the white eagle in the heights, the
fall of snow in the forest, a true arrow in your bow.
’
The chieftain nodded, and said: ‘Surely it is the sight of your enemy slain,
the humiliation of his tribe and the lamentation of his women.
’
There was a general murmur of whiskery approval at this outrageous
display.
Then the chieftain turned respectfully to his guest, a small figure carefully
warming his chilblains by the fire, and said: ‘But our guest, whose name is
legend, must tell us truly: what are they that a man may call the greatest
things in life?’
The guest paused in the middle of another unsuccessful attempt to light
up.
‘What shay?’ he said, toothlessly.
‘I said: what are they that a man may call the greatest things in life?’
The warriors leaned closer. This should be worth hearing.
The guest thought long and hard and then said, with deliberation: ‘Hot
water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper.