Eating oranges in various programming languages:

x86-Assembler: Wasting no time, you throw the orange into the air, catch it in your teeth and bite into it whole.

C: you forgot to add a null-byte-terminator and accidentally ate your table.

Java: You build a fruit salad factory, but only ever use it to peel oranges. The machines that peel the oranges simply throw the peel out onto the floor behind them. A man with a broom periodically walks by to sweep it up.

COBOL: You get paid $300K a year to peel oranges for a bank.

SQL: A shady beggar hands you a dirty orange. You decide to eat it, then immediately pass out and wake up missing a kidney.

PHP: You take off your pants, throw the orange at a wall and fall down the stairs.

Visual Basic: You're in kindergarten. Today's lunch is orange slices.

CSS: You take styrofoam balls and paint them orange.

Perl: You rifle through all the fruits in the store, muttering garbage and looking for an orange matching a bad drawing of what you half remember oranges look like. When you find one, you pull out your dull pocket knife and peel the orange. It turns out mangled but edible.

C++: You wish to start peeling the orange, but arranged on the table are thousands of different knives. All of them will peel the orange, but no matter which you choose supporters of the others will tell you that you're peeling the orange the wrong way.

Game Maker Studio: You make a Mario clone platforming game with static orange sprites and 3 levels and put it on Steam Greenlight for $14.99 (early access). When people start asking about the actual eating of the orange, you ignore them at first and once you've made enough money you outsource your IP to a 3rd party to rewrite the engine in C++ and implement the originally promised features.

LaTeX: There are old and tested tools for eating tangerines, but not oranges exactly. You try to adapt said tool for oranges, discovering how impossibly terse the old tool is. You use it anyway, and the orange is transformed into a hollow marble sculpture of various fruits.

GLSL: You first figure out the exact shape of the orange. Next, you look at one microscopic part of the peel and calculate its exact Lambertian lighting parameters. Finally, you use a thousand tiny knives to cut off miniscule sections of the skin at once. Once your orange is peeled, you swap buffers and do it a few hundred times again in the next second.

HLSL: exact same as GLSL, but it can only cut and eat oranges if the table is built by Microsoft. Some people have tricked HLSL to work on other tables, but it usually fucks up and the orange turns purple.

Python: Someone else offers to eat your orange for you, but he turns out to be very bad at it. You spend the rest of the day cleaning up the mess he left.

JavaScript: You rip off the peel with ease, cut the orange into slices and pick one up in anticipation. Your orange turns out to be a lemon, because the knife you used can only cut lemons.

MATLAB: You have your orange and you try to find out how to eat it. You find an orange eating process that does exactly what you want it to, but it requires your orange to be seedless. You find a seed removal process, but it turns your orange into a pulpy mass. You painstakingly make your own process to turn your pulpy mass into a seedless orange by slowly reconstructing it on a molecular level. You can finally eat your orange with the original process you found. A week later you take a picture of your shit and carefully label all the parts that came from the orange and add it to your thesis.

Haskell: You prepare to eat infinite oranges. You then eat only the first.

HTML: You sit down in your high school Computer Projects class. The assignment this week is to eat an orange. You are handed a packet of papers with information about the orange tree, the orange peel, your fingers, the knife, and the plate you rest the orange on. The packet includes stock photos of peeled oranges, looking perfect and pristine. "Alright, this looks pretty easy," you think. One week later, the project is due and half the peel is still on the orange. You cut that half off, and present it to the rest of the class. Your teacher gives you an 87% and you never eat an orange again in your life.

Objective-C: You peel your orange, all the while sending messages to your OrangePeelingDelegate about your progress. Once you're finished peeling, the OrangePeelingDelegate tells you to eat the orange.

MIX Assembly: You don't actually have an orange, but luckily you have a very nice, streamlined model of one. You find it's best to study the orange in hypothetical terms instead of actually eating a real orange.

RegEx: You send a robot into the grocery store to find all the oranges it can. Unfortunately you programmed it wrong and it brings back a trolley full of bananas.