startup.lua

--term.redirect(peripheral.wrap('right'))
-- bee you, citrons.

local adjs = {
    "beeoidal","apiaristic","critical","automatic",
    "nuclear","evil","safety","unsafety","grammatical",
    "good","bad","rotational","rotating","autogravitational",
    "systemic","invisibile","invisibility","apiary",
    "apiaristic","fake","real","decoy","communistic",
    "capitalistic","monetary","altruistic",
    "inevitable","insatiable","disagreeable",
    "mind controlling","destruction","diagnostic",
    "impossible","anomalous","levitating",
    "transparent","unknowable","antimemetic",
    "propaganda","memetic","hazardous","status",
    "cognitohazardous","cryogenic","meta",
    "sentient", "invertible", "isomorphic", "pyroclastic",
    "differential", "nonlinear", "optical", "javascriptoidal",
    "intelligent", "unfathomable", "indefatigable",
    "mind controlled", "commutative", "triangular",
    "nanoscale", "web-controlled", "solar", "relativistic",
    "construction", "deconstruction", "set-theoretic",
    "legal", "characteristic", "probabilistic", "convolutional",
    "photonic", "optronic", "silicon", "emulated",
    "metallic", "microwave", "microelectromechanical",
    "geomagnetic", "magnetic", "apionic", "projectional",
    "combinatoric", "reversible", "ominous", "hexagonal",
    "lunar", "spatial", "whole", "half",
    "impartial", "immovable", "unstoppable",
    "subsonic", "supersonic", "blue (insentient)",
    "blue (sentient)", "colourless blue",
    "colourless red", "colorless yellow",
    "furious", "ultrasonic", "sleeping",
    "concurrent", "memory-safe", "self-aware",
    "inflammable", "flammable", "stellar",
    "integrated", "gollarious", "heretic",
    "dangerous", "nonmetallic", "monadic",
    "comonadic", "malleable", "javascript",
    "javascriptoidal", "carcinogenic",
    "crabulous", "crab deployment", "galactic",
    "procedual", "derivation"
}
local nouns = {
    "systems","apioids","bees","apioforms",
    "circles","polygons","fluids","dynamics",
    "servers","apiaries","lemons","lemonsystems",
    "apiosystems","dodecahedra","ideologies",
    "political systems","blockchains","algorithms",
    "cuboids","timelike curves","devices",
    "computers","clusters","nodes",
    "clients","proxies","uplinks",
    "satelites","orbital satelites","lasers",
    "metaspheres","generators","status reports",
    "tables","websites","content","videos",
    "displays","interfaces","reactors","software",
    "spyware","malware","demons","auctions",
    "currency","drones","cognitohazards",
    "apiohazards","cryoapioforms",
    "vectors", "matrices", "stations", "monoids",
    "daemons", "memetics", "signposts", "doors",
    "hexahedra", "planets", "spheres", "monitors",
    "projectiles", "neutrinos", "muons", "ellipsoids",
    "arrays", "tensors", "neural networks", "bismuth",
    "containment", "hives", "polynomials", "monopoles",
    "ideas", "memeplexes"
}
local opinions = {
    "I hate X","I enjoy X","I sometimes experience X",
    "The company really needs more X",
    "We should use less X",
    "For environmental purposes, we should\nuse X",
    "X: good for the economy",
    "X: bad for the economy",
    "I think poorly of X",
    "We need a better solution for X",
    "The X have been malfunctioning recently",
    "We could profit from X",
    "We would lose profit from X",
    "X have had great uptime",
    "X have had terrible uptime",
    "I think X bad",
    "I think X good",
    "X have been problematic; I blame X",
    "X are present in the majority of our facilities",
    "X have not been confirmed to exist",
    "X are a core part of our quarterly strategy",
    "Sometimes X can be found scattered around our facilities",
    "Wait, we have X? Doubtful",
    "There are no X",
    "X have demonstrated antimemetic properties",
    "Maybe X are to be considered harmful",
    "We're looking into integrating X into our X",
    "We should deploy more X",
    "X are an unnecessary burden",
    "Maintanence of X is difficult",
    "We should really automate X",
    "We need to hire X consultants"
}

local printer = peripheral.find "printer"

function rstring(n)
    local res = ""
    for i=1,n do
        res=res..string.char(math.random(33,255))
    end
    return res
end

local preferred = rstring(math.random(7,15))

function slow(x,nnl)
    for i=1,#x do
        local c = x:sub(i,i)
        if c=="\n" then
            print("")
        else
            write(c)
        end
        if math.random(0,1)==1 then sleep(0.05) end
    end
    if not nnl then print("") end
end
function shouldbreak(text)
    local x = term.getCursorPos()
    local w = term.getSize()
    if x+#text>w then
        return true
    end
    return false
end
function cprint(t,p,nnl,pp)
    p = p or 0
    pp = pp or 0
    local x,y = term.getCursorPos()
    local w,h = term.getSize()
    term.setCursorPos(w/2-(#t+p)/2,y)
    slow(t,nnl)
end
function header(x)
    cprint(("-"):rep(term.getSize()))
    cprint(x)
    cprint(("-"):rep(term.getSize()))
end
function r(t)
    return t[math.random(1,#t)]
end
function pair()
    return r(adjs).." "..r(nouns)
end
function printStatus()
    local gpair = pair()..": "
    local status = math.random(0,3)==0 and "OFFLINE" or "ONLINE"
    cprint(gpair,#status,true)
    sleep(math.random(1,10)/20)
    if status=="OFFLINE" then
        term.setTextColor(colors.red)
    else
        term.setTextColor(colors.lime)
    end
    cprint(status,-#gpair)
    term.setTextColor(colors.white)
end
function statusreport()
    header("STATUS REPORT")
    for i=1,10 do printStatus() end
end
function giveopinion(isslow)
    local opinion = r(opinions):gsub("X",pair)..". "
    if shouldbreak(opinion) then print("") end
    if isslow then slow(opinion,true) else print(opinion) end
end
function giveopinions(slow)
    header("GENERAL REPORT")
    for i=1,15 do giveopinion(slow) end
end
while true do
    giveopinions(true)
    print("")
    statusreport(true)
    printer.isColour = function() return false end
    printer.getSize = printer.getPageSize
    printer.scroll = function() end
    printer.newPage()
    local ts = os.date "%Y-%m-%d %H:%M"
    printer.setPageTitle("General Report: " .. ts)
    local orig = term.redirect(printer)
    local w,h = term.getSize()
    header "GENERAL REPORT"
    while ({term.getCursorPos()})[2] < h do
        giveopinion(false)
    end
    term.redirect(orig)
    printer.endPage()
    printer.drop(8, 64, "north")
end
sleep(10)