Lunar Doldrums - 4

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I’m awake again. How many times has it been? How many times have I woken up?

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I don’t remember. But that’s not surprising. Days become years, and years become centuries, and not a single thing changes.

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No, that’s not true. Sometimes the servants change. And the nobles are always changing. But the new ones are no different than the ones before.

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The Silver Guqin Prince. Before him was the Golden Guqin Princess.

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I can’t remember what she looked like. But I think we got along.

She never tried to kill me, at least.

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Who was it she killed? I don’t remember.

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Did she write poems? I remember her from one of the Pearl Princess’s parties.

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~Bridges built of ink~
~The past and the future linked~
~Brushes pass through hands~
~Our words carry us through time~
~Petals flow down the river~

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What a lie. Neither the past nor the future means anything here.

It’s always the same. Unchanging. Pure.

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~White without color~
*Sound without texture*
~Air without motion~
*Time without passage*
*Life without meaning*

Five fives makes twenty-five. A square without shape or allusion. A failure.

How appropriate.

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The garden is a mess. I must have gotten too into it last night. That might be why I’m hungrier than usual.

It had been a while, after all. And I was in a bad mood.

These are just excuses, though.

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Today’s lunch is white ration noodles with black seed oil. I’m glad we’re making good use of the black seeds.

I’m not so sure about the noodles, though. White rations firm up when you boil them, but.

I really don’t think you can call these noodles.

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Ah.

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It fell apart.

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The wind is blowing through the chimes again. How peaceful. I want to close my eyes.

In the darkness behind my eyelids, only the chimes exist. The chimes and the softly blowing wind. The quiet footsteps of the servants. A sword drawn from its sheath.

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Blood flowing along the ground.

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The last beatings of a heart.

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A final breath.

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I’m tired. It’s almost the holidays. I should go home and see my family.

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They’ll ask me about my job. You’re a smart girl, Naime. You shouldn’t be working at a convienence store.

Do you have a boyfriend yet?

You’re not a little girl anymore, you know.

We can’t support you forever.

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I wonder. Will they complain more if I go, or if I don’t?

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I’m glad they’re not here.

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Should I send a gift to the crèche supervisor? I don’t think anyone does that.

Are any of my crèche-mates still alive?

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I wonder if anyone keeps track.

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Childhood friends are so important on that side. Not that I had any.

No, I probably had a few. It’s easy to make friends when you’re a baby. You just need sociable parents.

I wonder if any of them remember me. I don’t remember them, so probably not.

It’s so easy to forget people. Even easier to be forgotten. It’s for the best.

I’m not someone who should be remembered.

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Spend your efforts on someone who can actually make you happy.

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Someone who isn’t me.

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I’m tired.