Pitch

THE FOLLOWING IS A TRANSCRIPT OF A RECORDED MESSAGE FROM THE ANSWERING MACHINE OF ADAM SANDLER'S ESTATE. 06-01-2018, 5:21AM CST

Hey Adam Sandler, it's Alex. I know that you're probably still pissed from our last exchange, but this is really important and I believe it's very time sensitive, what I'm about to say to you.

I've got a great idea for a video game, and I need you to help me produce it. I know this is kind of a big deal and you're going to want to talk specifics when you get back off the set of whatever gay movie you're filming right now, but just hear me out because I believe that this is a game-changer.

So here's the pitch. This won't take up much of your time, so just bear with me.

[clears throat]

The game is called, "Oh No! Your Arms Are On Fire!". Now don't get confused, very little of this game has to do with your arms being on fire. The title is just the hook to get people interested in the game.

So the player opens the game, they see the main menu. They hover over the "Play" button and before they can even click, something pops up over the whole screen and says "Come on, this is an emergency! We've got no time to waste!" and two or three seconds later, the game just starts. The player is placed into a top-down area, you know, so standard WASD controls, mouse to attack, that kind of thing. The narrator pops up again and says "Great. You took so long on the main menu that your arms burned clean off. Great job."

The player throughout all of this is playing as a ball of slime, with no indication that they ever had arms to begin with. It's just easier that way, trust me Adam Sandler, I'm a game designer. You just have to bear with me.

So a few seconds later, the player is given a shotgun and has to shoot some other differently-coloured slime balls for a little bit. Every five or ten slime balls that the player destroys, the game pauses and the player gets to upgrade themselves. However, after about fifty slimeballs, the narrator comes back and changes things up a little bit.

Now I'd describe the next section as "fiery worms", but it would be inaccurate in two ways. First of all, there is not really any fire as much as there is just an inexplicably red-themed environment, and secondly there are no worms whatsoever. At this point, the game kinda turns into a platformer, too. So the player is bouncing on these red blocks, climbing their way through the level when suddenly they find the colour blue. They pick it up and they become blue, and suddenly everything red hurts them. However, everything is also red, which means that in a few seconds they die and respawn in an inexplicably blue area.

Same sort of aesthetic, things are still basically only black and blue(just like they were black and red earlier), but this time the player has their shotgun again. The narrator says something like "Hey, I hope you're ready to shoot some more slime balls!" and then a giant slimeball appears, cocks its own shotgun and shoots the player in the face, completely obliterating them in the process.

Now, the player plays as the narrator. Turns out that the narrator was the player the whole time, and the narrator was just telling the story of what these fictional slimeballs were doing. It's a top-down game again, but the player can press the space bar to narrate. Each time they press the spacebar, the room becomes a little bit more on fire, until the narrator says "Damn it, now MY arms are on fire too!"

The camera does a slow-zoom on the player sprite(with flaming arms), with a fire texture slowly fading out of the screen. Suddenly, an alarm clock sounds and the player wakes up. Once again, they are a slime ball. The narrator says, "Well done, you slept through like the whole game. You know I had something cool planned, right? Ugh. Just take the shotgun again and let's get going."

The player is back to shooting slimes for a little while, but about 15 slimes in, a more humanoid-looking enemy appears. It looks like the narrator. The game becomes a bullet hell game, as semi-transparent sprites of guns periodically flash on the screen during the fight. The slimes are inexplicably bigger by a factor of about 1.5, but this does not affect their stats.

The narrator fills the room with bullets, and provided that the player defeats the narrator, the narrator dies and the text "You lose!" appears on the screen, with a prompt to re-try the area. The player was meant to kill themselves the whole time. The player was the narrator the whole time. Once the player is dead, the player controls the narrator. The player presses the space bar to narrate again, and a slime appears.

The slime speaks gibberish, and the narrator responds "Damn it, I've been cursed... again!" while the camera slowly zooms in on the interaction. The narrator turns to a strong purple hue, and is placed into a purple platformer environment. There is a fire behind the player. The player works out that they must press the space bar to narrate to the fire. The fire shrinks, until it's gone. As the fire shrinks, the world becomes darker and darker. The player is given a "You lose" prompt again, with the option to retry. However, when they retry, the player is the fire.

The fire cannot move, but the player can press the spacebar to grow the fire as the narrator shrinks it with soothing words. If the fire disappears, the player loses. If it grows big enough to burn the narrator, an alarm clock sounds and the narrator says "Damn it. Now I'm on fire."

The player is controlling the slime once again. The narrator says "Shoot some slimes for a while. Let me deal with this."

Provided that the player is able to survive for three minutes without dying to the enemy slimes, the narrator returns and says "This fire won't go out, so I guess I'll just have to live with it. Here's some fire." The narrator sets the player on fire, and the player takes damage rapidly. The narrator says "Damn it, you're on fire too? Really? Come on, get a grip." and once the players health fully drains, the player does not die.

A grid of slimes spawn, but they do not move. The player slime grows by a factor of 1.5, and the narrator says "Yeah, you're fine. Come on." but the player cannot move. When the WASD keys are pressed, the fire moves. The player was fire the whole time. The fire must burn all the other slimes by touching them. Once this is done, the narrator says "Damn it. Now all those slimes are on fire."

The player must press the space bar to narrate, however since the player is a fire, they cannot speak. The narrator walks into the game area. An empty speech bubble appears, and each time the space bar is pressed, the narrator shrinks. Once the narrator shrinks completely, the player is told "you lose" and must restart. However, when they restart, the scenario is taking place in a pink platformer area. The narrator is constantly growing at a steady rate. Once the narrator grows to completely cover the screen, an alarm clock sounds and the slime wakes up.

The narrator says "Wow, I just woke up. What happened?" The player slime is being shot at by a shotgun, while other slimes spawn and run away from the shotgun. The player does not take damage. Once they collect the shotgun, the narrator says "..." and the shotgun is set on fire. The player is told to shoot some slimes for a while, but with each slime that the player destroys, the fire gets larger and eclipses more of the screen. Once the fire eclipses the whole screen, the narrator appears over the fire and says "It's getting toasty in here."

The player presses space bar and they are placed into a brown platformer area, but playing as fire. The fire can move. The fire says "I'm toasty right now." and becomes a shotgun. The shotgun says "I'm a shotgun right now. That's toasty." and the slime appears. The player can press the left mouse button to shoot the slime. Once the slime is dead, the narrator appears and says "Hey, that's my shotgun!". The narrator picks up the shotgun and it bursts into flames.

An alarm clock sounds, and the slime wakes up. The narrator says "Well done. You slept through the entire game. I hope you're proud." and the game ends, but the game says "You lose." When restarting, the player is sent to the credits, but every part is attributed to "slime". The credits end, and the player is told "you lose". When asked to restart, the game shuts.

So that's about the whole pitch. Thanks for listening this far into the pitch, I know you're busy filming some stupid nonsense somewhere but I'm really looking forward to your response. I truly believe that this will be right up your alley.