Tami Stronach

Moonchild... quite possibly the most beautiful girl to grace the silver screen. Her presence, grace, and beauty has and will probably remain unrivaled for generations to come.

WHAT A LOAD OF OLE SHIT!

Stronach, to put it bluntly, has no talent, ability or presence as a child star. Her performance as the aforementioned Moonchild/Childlike Empress is lackluster, to put it nicely. Add to that her countenance which someone wasted their time applying makeup on. Not because she doesn't need it, but because no amount of makeup (or trips to the local panel beaters) will fix THAT hideous thing.
The only acting job she could probably keep (that requires little talent on her part) would be a character in a haunted house attraction (and this author is 200% sure that everyone who went to a haunted house that little Stronach worked at would probably end up in shock or drop dead from the sight of her popping out of a door or wall or coffin or something.)
It's just as well that she only put out one movie, (which this author agrees was a classic film, but it could have done without Stronach. She drags it down to the sewer) and no others. Otherwise, this author would probably have viewed the entirety of her acting work, then ended up dead from cirrhosis of the liver.
What would possess someone like a film critic to give Tami's acting a positive review? This author's best guess is a flagon of Wild Turkey, or similar. You would have to be fairly intoxicated to appreciate her, as her acting is wooden, her lines are flat and her face, as aforementioned, not even the best panel beaters in town can fix.
If you were one of the unlucky few who ended up spending time around her, and you're still alive and haven't destroyed your livers, then this author takes their hat off to you. Big respect for putting up with one of the worst child stars ever to grace the silver screen.
This author can only suspect that she was a handful to deal with offscreen, probably had to be threatened with a whooping to get any sort of performance out of her, even if it's more wooden than the pine box she probably slept in, saving her family the trouble of wasting money on a bed.
If you are a former lover of hers and you are reading this, this author offers their deepest sympathy and respect for you for putting up with her and saving the rest of us the trouble. (Feel free to send your experiences to 1-800-DILLIGAF, 56k compatible)
This author sincerely hopes that Stronach has spawned no crotchfruit, and has not heard of any such annoying little blights on society existing. If they do, and they are reading this, then this author hopes that if Stronach is too busy with her current social/working life to care for her own crotchfruit that she enlists the services of one Agatha Trunchbull as their 'au pair', and this author would gladly work with Ms Trunchbull if she required an apprentice.
If said crotchfruit indeed exists and has acting aspirations, then let us hope that they never come to fruition. One poorly performing child actress with a face like a bag of smashed crabs is bad enough, but for them to later spawn an anklebiter that wants to be famous like their mother would be beyond even this author's comprehension of nightmarish events, and probably send said author into a downward spiral of alcoholism.
And if Stronach is married, then this author can only hope that her husband is not the sympathetic type, or not a fan of poorly performing child actresses, but is a fan of the Punch and Judy shows of old, and gladly re-enacts same with their wife.

Nathan "Ned Kelly" Sawford
Leader of the Kelly Gang, Owner of the "Tassie TV" YouTube channel
facebook.com/nathan.sawford.7