Hey ChatGPT rewrite the bible as if Trump wrote it.

Way too coherent, not a single mention of migrants, eating dogs, flattering himself or compaining about witch hunts of the radical left? And most importantly not making it all about himself and NO CAPS LOCK? Not believable.

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3 days ago
unslainACHILLES

Hey ChatGPT rewrite the bible as if Trump wrote it.
Funny
Genesis 1 (Trumpified)

"In the beginning—tremendous beginning, by the way—God, who, frankly, does incredible things, really the best, created the heavens and the earth. And let me tell you, it was a total success. Nobody creates like God does. Believe me.

The earth was a mess, okay? A disaster. Dark, chaotic, you wouldn’t believe it. But then, God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and BOOM! There was light—fantastic light, by the way, just incredible. And God saw the light, and, folks, he said, ‘This light is tremendous, really tremendous.’ He separated the light from the darkness. It was a big, beautiful division, the best division you’ve ever seen.

God called the light ‘Day’—a perfect name, some people say the best name—and the darkness, he called ‘Night.’ And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day. Many people are talking about it. A lot of people are saying it’s the greatest first day in history, I can tell you that.”

Revelation 6 (The Four Horsemen)

“Now we get to the seals—huge seals, tremendous seals. When the Lamb, who is doing a fantastic job by the way, opens the first seal, BOOM! A white horse comes out. And the rider has a bow. It’s a strong rider, really a winner. He’s got a crown—obviously a big deal—and he goes out conquering. Nobody conquers like this guy, folks.

Then the second seal—more action. A red horse, a beautiful red, some people say the reddest red ever, shows up. And its rider takes peace from the earth. Believe me, a lot of people are saying this is major. Wars break out. Tremendous chaos.

The third seal? A black horse. It’s about the economy, folks—scales in the rider’s hand, and the prices go through the roof. Wheat, barley—it’s all going up. Just like we’ve seen before, the system’s rigged. But don’t hurt the oil and the wine, alright? Very important.

Then the fourth seal—wow. A pale horse. The rider’s name is Death, and Hades follows him. Not good. They’re given authority over a quarter of the earth, and let me tell you, it’s going to be very, very bad. A lot of death, folks—plagues, famine, the whole thing. Sad!”

Revelation 21 (The New Jerusalem)

“After all the chaos, what do we get? A new heaven and a new earth. It’s beautiful, folks, absolutely beautiful. The old earth? Gone. The sea? It’s history. And then the New Jerusalem comes down from heaven—perfect city, the best city you’ve ever seen. Streets of gold, walls of jewels, nothing like it anywhere else in the world.

God says, ‘I’m making everything new. Write this down, it’s true.’ And you better believe it, folks, because when God says it, it’s going to be huge. No more tears, no more death, no more pain. It’s going to be tremendous. People are going to be talking about it for eternity.”

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Full response:

The Creation Story, Trump Style

"Okay, folks, let me tell you about the beginning. It was a tremendous beginning, the best beginning you’ve ever seen. In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth—an absolutely fantastic job, no one else could do it better. And the earth, well, it was empty, a total disaster. No light, just darkness. A lot of people were saying it was chaos. But then, God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and boom, folks, there was light. A big, beautiful light. Everybody loves light. It was terrific, let me tell you.

And God saw the light, and He said it was good. Really good. Not just good, but the best. He separated the light from the darkness, just like I separated the wheat from the chaff, okay? He called the light ‘day’—very creative, the best name—and the darkness ‘night.’ There was evening, there was morning, first day. Tremendous day. Nobody else could’ve done it better.

Next, God made the sky. A beautiful sky, the most amazing sky, just like one of my buildings—very classy. He separated the waters. So much water, folks, you wouldn’t believe it. It was Day Two. And on Day Three, He made dry land. I’m talking about the best land, folks, great for real estate. And He made plants—big trees, beautiful gardens, just perfect.

On Day Four, He made the sun, the moon, and the stars. Incredible. The sun, by the way, really powerful, like the greatest spotlight. Day Five, He made fish and birds. Some people don’t like birds, but they’re tremendous, okay? On Day Six, God made all the animals. Tremendous variety. He made Man too—very important, in His image, and I gotta say, it was a very, very good move. Best decision.

And on the seventh day, folks, God rested. And honestly, He deserved it. Tremendous job, folks, tremendous."

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(Psalm 23:1-4, NIV):

_Look, folks, the Lord is my shepherd, okay? And let me tell you, He's the best shepherd, absolutely terrific. I have everything, everything you can imagine, because I have the best deals, the best pastures. Green, so green, you've never seen anything like it. Tremendous. And the waters? They're so quiet, so calm. Just perfect, really perfect. My soul? Totally refreshed, nobody refreshes a soul like He does, believe me.

He shows me the best paths, incredible paths, the right ones—because we don't take bad paths, folks, only the best ones. Even when I walk through the dark valleys—very dark, very nasty—I'm not scared, not even a little bit, because He's with me. His rod? Powerful. His staff? Unbelievable. They're doing a great job, folks, comforting me. Big comfort, huge comfort._

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Noah’s Ark: The Trump Edition

Genesis 6-9, According to Trump:

So, let me tell you something, folks—there was this guy, Noah. Not the greatest builder, believe me, not like me, but he was OK. God comes to him, says, “Noah, there’s going to be a flood, big flood, like you’ve never seen before. Everybody’s going to drown, except for you, but you’ve got to build an ark.”

Now, let’s be honest, if I had been there, I would have built the best ark. The BIGGEST ark, way bigger than Noah’s. People would look at it and say, “Wow, that’s a tremendous ark!” Noah’s ark was fine, but not great. It was a bit rough, but they didn’t have Trump Tower back then, so what can you do?

But here’s the thing: God picked Noah, but if He knew me? I would’ve been in charge, no question. “Trump,” He’d say, “You know how to build, you know how to win. You’re the greatest negotiator of all time!” And I’d say, “God, you’re right. Let me handle this.”

So, Noah starts building, takes him forever—such a slow guy, folks. I would’ve had the Ark up in, like, a week. And I wouldn’t have stopped there. I would’ve built TWO arks, maybe three. And I would’ve called them “Trump Arks.” People would remember that.

And the animals—two of every kind? Small thinking. With Trump, it’s like, let’s get the best animals. The strongest, the biggest, the ones that win, OK? I’m not bringing weak, loser animals on my ark. I want lions, I want tigers, maybe even a couple of dragons if we can find them. Believe me, we’d have the most incredible animal selection you’ve ever seen. Noah’s animal choices? A bit of a joke.

Then the rain starts—tremendous rain, folks. Water coming down like you wouldn’t believe. Everyone’s panicking, but Noah and his little family get on the ark. But if it were my ark, let me tell you, I wouldn’t just save my family. I’d save the best people. The billionaires, the geniuses, the people who get things done, OK? The world needs winners, not whiners. Noah’s saving everybody he knows—nice, but not smart.

Forty days, forty nights—long time, folks. But here’s the kicker: when the flood’s over, Noah just kind of drifts around. What a missed opportunity. If I had been in charge? I would’ve set up Trump Island, folks. Huge resort. We’d have been rebuilding civilization right then and there. Waterfront views, exclusive golf courses, the works.

And when Noah finally lands on the mountain? He plants a vineyard and gets drunk. Folks, I wouldn’t waste time with a vineyard. We’re talking skyscrapers, infrastructure, MAGA hats everywhere. And I wouldn’t get drunk on wine—too low class. I’d be drinking the finest champagne, toasting to how I saved the world. People would be talking about it for centuries.

So yeah, Noah did an OK job. But if I had been in charge? It would’ve been the greatest flood story in the history of floods. Nobody handles a flood like me. Believe me.

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ChatGPT!!!!! imagine Trump writing a speech about migrants and the migrants are Jesus, his family and wise men.

Speech Title: Keeping Our Borders Strong and Our Country Safe FROM JESUS, MARY, JOSEPH, AND THOSE WISE MEN.

"You know, we have a lot of problems in this country right now. A lot of problems. And one of the biggest problems we’re dealing with, folks, is illegal immigration. We’ve got people coming across our borders, and let me tell you, they’re not sending their best. Some of them might be nice people, but a lot of them—let’s face it—are bringing crime, they’re bringing drugs, and they’re looking to take advantage of the American system. It's a disaster!"

Now, let’s talk about this particular group that’s been getting a lot of attention. You’ve probably heard about them. There’s this young couple—Mary and Joseph, okay? They show up out of nowhere. No paperwork, no documents, nothing. They’re looking for a place to stay, claiming they’re fleeing some kind of persecution. Joseph doesn’t even have a job lined up—carpenter or something, I don’t know. Are we really supposed to just open our doors to anyone like that?"

Then there’s their son. This guy, Jesus. They say he was born in some backwater stable because nobody would give them room. I mean, look, that’s not America’s problem. We have rules and borders for a reason! And what’s next? They say this kid's special. He’s supposed to be a king or something. We’ve got enough problems without having some foreign-born 'king' running around trying to change everything."

"But it doesn’t stop there, folks. Oh no. Then we’ve got these Wise Men—apparently, they’re from the Middle East or somewhere, following a star. And they just walk into the country, no vetting, no checks, carrying who-knows-what in those gifts they bring. Gold, frankincense, and myrrh? What’s that? It sounds suspicious to me. Where’s the accountability? Do we know what they really want? I say we should be careful."

"I love Christmas as much as anyone, believe me, but this whole story? It’s a perfect example of why we need stronger borders and tighter control. We can't let just anyone waltz in, claiming they're fleeing persecution or following some prophecy. Our country has enough problems. America comes first!"

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Here's a version of Genesis with a more realistic amount of narcissistic comments

Trump’s Creation Story: "Way Better Than God's Creation"

Day 1: "Look, folks, I’m not saying God didn’t try with His creation, but let’s be honest – it was a mess. A total disaster. So, I stepped in. Day one, I looked around, it was dark – really dark, folks – and I said, ‘This isn’t how you make a universe. Let there be light!’ And BAM! There was light. Tremendous light. Way better than what God could’ve done. Everyone’s saying my light is the best. You know, they’re even calling it ‘Trump Light’ now."

Day 2: "Then, I looked at the sky – God had some kind of amateur setup, very low energy – and I said, ‘Let’s fix this.’ So I created the firmament, classy, high-end. I call it Heaven. People are saying it’s the Trump Tower of the universe. God didn’t think of that, did He? Of course not. Big upgrade."

Day 3: "God’s land and water? A joke. Totally pathetic. So I said, ‘Let the waters gather here, and let’s get some dry land – huge land – the best land.’ And we did it. Then I said, ‘Let there be plants,’ and suddenly, we had the greatest gardens ever. Mar-a-Lago level gardens, folks. Not like those weak gardens you get in other universes."

Day 4: "Now, this is where I really outdid God. He had some stars, sure, but they were tiny, weak. So, I said, ‘We’re going to make the sun great again.’ I put in a big, beautiful sun. Powerful. And the moon? People are saying it’s the most fantastic moon ever. It reflects the light just like Mar-a-Lago reflects the sun. Class all the way. God didn’t have a clue about this stuff."

Day 5: "Then, I looked at the oceans and the sky and said, ‘We need some winners here.’ God’s fish were small, sad fish. So, I created tremendous fish. Big fish, folks. Marlins. Sharks. Winning fish. And the birds? You’re going to love the birds. Eagles, not pigeons. Top-tier. Way better than God’s creation. And guess what? They all live near Mar-a-Lago now. It’s fantastic."

Day 6: "Now, here’s where I really showed God how it’s done. I said, ‘Let’s create man in my image.’ Because, let’s face it, I’m the best. God’s idea of man? Not so great. So, I made Adam a real winner. Strong, smart – everyone says he’s the best creation. And then I gave him Eve – beautiful, perfect. God wouldn’t know how to pick a partner like that. God rested after this, but I didn’t stop, folks. I said, ‘No, we’re going to keep winning.’ Adam and Eve, they love Mar-a-Lago. I told them, ‘You can come anytime.’ God never invited them anywhere."

Day 7: "God rested, okay? On the seventh day, He just gave up. Weak. I, on the other hand, took a strategic break at Mar-a-Lago. It’s paradise – better than Heaven, really. I made sure everything was still running perfectly while I was relaxing by the pool. People are calling it the best day of creation. Everyone’s saying my rest was even better than God’s."

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Stays way too on topic. Not enough rambling on nonsense. Doesn't immediately make it about himself.

3/10.

The actual Trump Bible would be like:

"In the beginning, and you know they say this was the beginning and that it was just terrible before that. If I had been President, we wouldn't have needed a beginning. It would have already been great. It would have already been great. They say, 'Sir, if you had been in charge, it wouldn't have taken 6 days. We had to wait 6 days to get everything. It would've taken you 1. Maybe less....' Probably less if you want to know the truth. I think I would have light in Day 1 Beautiful light. The best light. They didn't have it on Day 1. I go in. And I talk to these people. And they love me there, but they say, 'Sir, you can't have on Day 1.' I think you can. I know you can. Light on Day 1. And why did he rest on day 7? What are you doing? Taking a vacation when the world is going to Hell. If I had been in charge Hell would be closed on Day 1. Don't even let them in. Close the border to Hell..."

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Alright, folks, let me tell you about Moses, okay? Great guy. A lot of people don’t know this, but Moses? Total winner. Some people say he was the greatest leader ever. Not as good as me, but still, very, very strong leader. Tremendous.

So, Moses is out there in Egypt. And let me tell you, Egypt? A disaster, folks. Total mess. Pharaoh’s running the place, thinks he’s a tough guy. But Moses? Moses knows better. He’s got this YUGE message from God. Believe me, I’ve had a lot of messages, many people send me messages, but this one was big. God says, “Moses, you’ve got to go talk to Pharaoh.” And Moses is like, “Sure, I can do it. No problem. I’m a natural deal-maker.”

So Moses goes to Pharaoh and says, “Look, here’s the deal: let my people go. It’s a simple deal, great for both sides. We walk, you win. It’s a win-win, believe me.” But Pharaoh, you know, he’s a loser. Doesn’t want to deal. Sad! So God has to send all these plagues—terrible plagues, really bad, folks. Frogs, locusts, hail—like you’ve never seen before. And let me tell you, if I had been negotiating with Pharaoh? No plagues, okay? I would’ve had a beautiful deal in two seconds, maximum.

Finally, after all the plagues, Pharaoh breaks. He can't take it anymore. Moses leads the people out of Egypt—huge exit, by the way. Biggest exit in history. And Moses, what does he do next? He parts the Red Sea. Can you believe it? He says, "We're going to make this sea part, folks. Nobody’s ever seen a sea part like this." The water moves, the people walk across, and it’s big league. Nobody else could’ve pulled that off. Maybe me, but I’m busy making America great again.

Then, Moses goes up the mountain. Beautiful mountain, folks, let me tell you, tremendous views. And he comes down with the Ten Commandments. Now, a lot of people are talking about these commandments. People are saying, “Trump, these commandments are great.” And they are, but let’s be honest, folks, I would’ve written a few different ones. “Thou shalt build big, beautiful walls,” maybe. But Moses did okay.

In the end, Moses takes them to the Promised Land. Wonderful place, lots of potential. But Moses? Doesn’t get to go in. He just leads them there, but he doesn’t go in. Very unfair. If Moses had me as his advisor, believe me, he would’ve been in there faster than you could say “MAGA.” Tremendous story.

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I had to make this even sorry

Genesis 1:1-3 (Kamala Harris style)

In the beginning, you know, there was nothing. Just darkness. And it’s important to understand that, because from nothing, comes something. From that space of possibility, we—we begin.

God—and think about this for a moment—God had a vision. God saw that there could be more, and so He spoke into that emptiness. He said, “Let there be light.”

And there was light. And it’s critical to recognize the significance of that. Because what God did was create, from the very beginning, the idea that when we act, when we speak, we bring change. We bring light to the darkness. And that is the power of action.

https://www.reddit.com/r/ChatGPT/comments/1g2esz4/hey_chatgpt_rewrite_the_bible_as_if_trump_wrote_it/?rdt=34127
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