Oregairu Vol 13 Interlude 6

                          Interlude 6


Another night that I can't get drunk.

Even if my throat tells me that the wine is hot, the warmth never seemed to drench my
heart.

Ever since that day, never once had I feel uplifted whenever I hold up the wineglass, only
feelings of hate looms within me.

As I swallowed up what remains of my fifth glass of wine, I reached out to the wine bottle
considering another drink, but my hand stopped midair as I was about to hold onto the
bottleneck.

The four-person table felt unusually broad, no matter what kinds of wine I chosen, no
matter how many glasses I drank, no matter who I called over for company, neither of
those seem to fill in this emptiness within.

On my palm lies a book that I read halfway through, I tried opening it, but neither once
had I managed to flip across the current page, and neither once had the bookmark left its
original position, even if I'm aware of how the story shall unfold at the end, I continued
searching for the true ending it deserves, which is why the story shall continue without
reaching a conclusion.

The one correct ending that has no lies in it will probably never arrive, but if someone
could  at  least  prove  the  very  existence  of  this  possibility,  I  will  probably  feel  satisfied
with it.

I  let  my  thoughts  flow  into  the  already  empty  glass,  and  drank  it  all  up  along  the
seemingly empty air. As my line of view passed through the curved surface of the glass,
projecting itself onto the empty seat in front of me, a beauty smiled wickedly through the
glass, as if she's making fun of herself.

The woman on the glass surface suddenly fades, to be replaced by the figure of another
person, as I took a better look, its the girl that should have went back some time ago. Did
she ran all her way here? I wondered upon seeing her shoulders moving up and down.

"Had you forgotten something?"

I handed her a woolen blanket, signaling her to have a seat, she then obediently sat on
her original position. As I held up my cheeks, wondering what important matter made
her turn back, she gripped firmly onto her skirt and the blanked underneath her knees,
she then said with a seemingly confused tone:

"I...I still believe that what you said just now was wrong...the co-dependency you told us
of."

I rolled my eyes upon hearing those words, did she seriously came all the way back here
to talk to me about this? I took me a while for me to have a clear image of the situation.

I see, so she was here today in order to protect him from me. Instead of viewing it as her
being possessive, to describe it as her being protective would sound much accurate.

As much as I wanted to praise her in a much straightforward way, now that she has the
guts to challenge me directly, it seems that I have no other choice but to accept it. While I
do  not  prefer  to  put  the  blame  onto  my  genetics,  it  is  true  that  my  annoying  side  is
similar to that of my mother.

To be honest, I don't really intend to say such things to her. Its troublesome, and I don't
have that much leisure time to be wasted on her. I can't really get myself to do such a
thing either, as getting hated by such a cute girl is not the most pleasant thing to do even
for myself.

But compared to that, my refusal to leave a mistake uncorrected is much stronger.

As my frustration continues to grow, I poured every the remaining wine into the glass.


                            Interlude 6-2

The  contents  within  the  wineglass  turmoils  like  waves  of  scarlet  blood,  small  bubbles
among those waves leaped up and down like my heart right now. After I scurried back
from  the  train  station  to  here,  words  proceeded  to  gush  out  from  me  along  with  my
gasping breath.

'That's how I see it, the codependency relationship the three of you have.'

'Codependency',  a  word  that  I  was  never  aware  of  before,  and  a  word  that  I  couldn't
understand at all. That's how I've always been, my inability to comprehend such complex
ideas, and my ability to act as if I couldn't understand it. Even if there are times that I
truly failed to get it.

But  that  term  that  she  said,  a  term  so  simple  to  the  point  that  I  can't  pretend  to  not
understand it, a term so simple that I can only understand it.

"Does that applies to me......too?"

My heart that should've calmed down by now started beating rapidly again. Even though
the answer was never something that I've never pleaded for, never awaited for, yet here I
am, seeking desperately for answers.

She started t laugh...then displayed a very concerning expression.

"Isn't it so? After all, Hikigaya relies on Gahama chan a lot too. In fact Gahama chan, you
enjoyed  all  the  attention  he  gave,  to  the  point  that  you're  willing  to  do  anything  for
him......you know, you're sicker than what you think, Gahama chan."

"No...that's not how it is."

My lips are trembling as I spouted those discontinuous words, shaking my head. No, this
is wrong, something feels really wrong in her statement...

"Now that they already become the way they are. So Gahama chan, you have to grow up
and get over it."

She  seemed  to  have  said  something  else  with  that  gentle  voice,  but  I  can't  hear  it
anymore.

"Wanting  to  do  something  for  his  sake...shouldn't  this  be  natural?  Seeing  him  looking
depressed, of course I would want to get his spirits up, of course I want to stay beside
them. So, that's not it..."
Its frustrating, frustrating to the point I glared at someone out of rage for the first time.
The moist air within my lungs burst out along my words, leaving my throat completely
dried out. Holding the ends of my skirt so strong to the point I could feel my nails driving
through the cloth, and into my flesh, I continued staring at her, refusing to avert my line
of sight.

She simply gazed at all of these with her mature expression, and then closed her eyes all
of a sudden. Then said in a voice so low, that it felt like she is praying:

"And can you......call that thing as something genuine?"

"I don't know."

I  have  always  been  trying  to  figure  it  out  ever  since  that  day,  what  did  he  meant  by
something  genuine.  But  in  the  end,  I  still  don't  get  it,  my  voice  started  to  sound
unsettling, with my eyes blurred by tears, and looked down onto the floor before I knew
it.

"But that thing, those feelings, they're definitely not codependency, nothing similar to it."

Looking back up, she continued gazing with the same expression, opened her mouth for a
second, just to look away without speaking.

A piercing sensation begins to fill up my chest, the tears that seemed to have dried out
started dripping again.

"Otherwise, it wouldn't feel so painful...this thing that feels... so painful..."

The pain on my chest, the pain within my heart, the pain that follows me everywhere.

Everything within me, as if they're in vain, lamented and screamed my love for you, over
and over again.