quotes

"But hey, why follow canon if you can have a cool laser?"

"Does anyone have that 'born to poop, forced to wipe' image"
"W h a t"

"The beEs may have ascended but they are still bound to do their homework"

"What do you want for dinner?"
"The digits of poultry."

"I think in 2nd grade I pooped in a urinal."
"I'm sorry for being a jerk. You deserve a throne, king."

"How do I gamble"

"Wheeze yourself to the grave-"

"The fact that we can never reach it because we are imperfect beings creates an unhealthy obsession with it, so much so that we need to create our own boundaries through our innate insecurities."
"Rhymes are still satisfying."
"Have you ever tried very fried eggs?"

"Sorry, I'm running out of room."
"Sorry, I'm running out of brain cells."

"Barry. Barry the bee."
"No."
"No."

"Isn't that... highly illegal?"
"Tommy, I don't believe in laws."

"So... Just learned I need glasses."
"Welcome to the club. The glasses club."
"We have cookies. ... That's a lie. We only have disappointment."
"You want cookies, you make them."

"Good vibes- ASTER I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU WITH A CAT TOY"

"It costs $15,000."
*starts choking and coughing* "WhAt-"

"This is when the oompas loompa, my friend"

"If I'm incredibly depressed... I'm gonna turn it into art."

"I have no regard for life. Anyways, uh, tell me about your car."

"MIKE WAZOWSKI IS A CYCLOPS AND STEPS ON ELSA"
"AKDHASJKHJKWHJASKDHAWDLKSHLKHFHKJAJ"

"But Pex wanted to bomb Kentucky and kill the good people."
"There are very few good people-"
"No one lives in Kentucky."

"Now, the types of spatulas and how you use them actually reflect your personality! If you use a rubber spatula to flip pancakes, you are... a psychopath, I don't know why you would do that but for some reason it keeps happening- people keep using rubber spatulas to flip pancakes, that's not what they're for-" *goes on a small rant about rubber spatulas and pancakes*

"A burger is just a m e a t  p a n c a k e ."

"If you want to have a good kill-death ratio in-game, you have to have a good kill-death ratio in real life."

"I'm gonna be heading to a festival today."
"Oh, you got an invite?"
*long pause*
"I'm gonna be heading to a festival-"

"I'm about to completely disrespect his ribcage."

*holding a lighter to an orange peel* "By the way, orange oil is flammable."

*holding a donut and donut hole* "So, in a way, this is all an allegory for the human condition."

"Yeah, that would be really mean of the devs to remove the bathtub..."
"Devs- It's a real estate website!"

"I was expecting something silly... that's just smallpox."

"Do you have any concept of things happening when you're not looking?"
"No-"

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
"Unless it's on a hill."

"Please don't crack your neck, that kills you."
"Snap crackle pop, coward."

"Oh. We gotta make a sacrifice to the Archon. I hope you brought your pocket virgin with you."

"I turned the light on so I could do tax forms."
*whispers* "Tax evasion..."

"I like split pea soup."
"That's what you say now."
"...What does that mean-"

"My minecraft's like having issues."
"My internet's having issues."
"My life's having issues, Tubbo."

"Y'all are going to hell."
"I'm already there."
"Same."
"Where else would we be going?"
"No, I'm going to your house."

*Victorian child voice* "Mother, don't go to the milk store like father!"

"These are the sorts of things they bring home for supper. Bebby food made out of reeeeal bebbies."

"'Oh no, she's pregnant now'? Guys, that's not how kissin' works-"

"Don't have girlfriend." *picture of someone curled up on the ground crying* "Alone. So very alone."

"Me? A creature of pure, unadulterated chaos, a being of hatred and incapable of feeling true human emotion, not be sincere with my apologies??? Impossible. I assure you, Owl, that I would never fake any form of remorse. Yes, I, in this perfectly normal Human Flesh Prison, feel perfectly normal Human Emotions such as... [Checks smudged writing on hand] ...Garlic."

"You've been into the- the technology, or at least gettin' good at it, ya whole life."
"Bro, I- we live in a cave-"

"Chihuahuas aren't dogs, they're rats with ego."

"I just had in 'n out and mmmmmMMMM, it was good."
"No NSFW in main chats, please."
"In 'n out is a restaurant..."

"Ignore the stuffed animal I am cuddling, I am intimidating."

"Why are you poor? Stop being poor."

*picture of a turtle*
"Tortilla."

"My eyes, my many eyes. They are all burning."
"Your what now?"

"You ever considered, uh... you ever considered not having bones?"

"Tanker, be a good corpse and stop screaming."

"Are you initiating a war?"
"Why not?"

"It's like learning to ride a bike. Once you learn to kill, you never forget-"

"Took my brain out awhile ago for mental health purposes"

"How are they going to be Irish later?"
"It's their final form."

"Honestly it's kinda really inhumane but we're just gonna gloss over that"

"Time flies when you're in mortal fear, that's what they always say"

"Life is falling apart? Have a pelican!"
"No will to live? Fear not, there are pelicans!"
"The world is falling apart? Yeah, but there's pelicans!"

"Don't try to look over that for any hidden meaning, I just think that murder is the answer to the problem."

"Oh nOo, don't arrest me, government. I am a lawful, good citizen. I consume every day and live in constant fear of communism. Check my credit score! CHECK MY CREDIT SCORE!"

"Murder is merry."
"Upvote."
"Upvote."
"Upvote."

"Is that an urn?"
"No, but it might as well have been."

"Anything is edible as long as you don't mind dying"

"I may be eating salt, but you're the salty one here."

" 'You look like a fool right now,' he says, lyin' dead on the floor."

"It's broken."
"Ah, like me."

"How do I unsummon myself?"

"My Nintendo crush is Waluigi, just like everyone else."

"So... He's my boyfriend. Thoughts?"
"And prayers."

Responses to "I want a baby"
"Mine?"
"You already have the dog"
"I'm not putting a demon inside you"
"Would not recommend. babies are like 3/10"
"We're lesbians"
"Just to hang out with?"
"Where you gonna get one?"
"Good for tax returns"
"We only have, like, $12 combined"

"They thought I was stupid, but I knew I was stupid."