mr smith

Have you ever wondered what it feels for an imaginary friend? Not to have one, but to be one. I do for I am one. Well, at least I sure do feel like being one.
It is all about being a loner. Don't get this wrong, there are companions. There always are companions, but there is never a group.
A companion is one single person. This person will usually need someone. Then there I am. I tend to make people depend upon me. At first they only need someone. Soon, they trust and need specifically me. I'll know everything and be there. I'll be there to listen, I'll be there to advice and I'll be there to accompany them. It'll be just the two of us. Sometimes the relationship is closer, sometimes it more distant, but it is always there. And I'll always have a unique position. Still, I'll remain more of a ghost. I am there and missing at the same time. And even though I'll be one close guy for them, I can never let them get to me.

Eventually, they will "grow out of me". They'll find new friends and move on.

This is who I am, this is what I do.

Since I cannot let them be really close to me, though being close to them myself, I always remain kind of alone. Not lonely, just alone. Once I let a girl, who mistook me for someone and something I am not and I never was, make me believe what she thought I was and both of us suffered for that. That can never happen again. Don't get this wrong, they will know quite a lot about me, but never again can there be anyone knowing all of it.
There can only be companions. People joining me for a certain time. After that they are gonna leave me and move on.

That is the situation. Now, how does it feel? Actually, I don't really know. In weak moments it does feel strange to be alone. It can really feel lonely at times.
Then again, there are so many lives that remain changed forever, so many minds being touched and altered. There are people being helped by me. There are people being hurt, too. I'm sure. But nevertheless, I can't help it, I am just one temporarily assisting helper. That is all I can be.

So, what does it feel like? The occasional weak moments asside, it does feel good. Assuming that I do help people, it does feel really good. Sure, it hurts to say goodbye, but that rarely ever happens. I'm not moving out. I rather fade out. As mentioned earlier, people just "grow out of me". Contact becomes rare over time and one day one realizes: there is no contact left at all. Of course, there is an occasional message when there is big news, but htat is about it. From a once very close relationship there is nothing left but only a few messages a month, a year or even less.


Does it hurt? Well, as I said at the beginning, I am a loner. I like being alone and find it difficult to deal with more than one person at a time. That is one of the main reasons why there is only one companion at a time. As soon as there are two of them I draw back and let them sort things out.

Do I care what happens to them afterwards? Of COURSE! Our close realtionship may be temporal, but I still will care. After all they DO mean a lot to me.

Do I mean to let the contact seize? Not really, that is just part of the way things happen. I am not really good at keeping contact and as soon as they don't really need me any more there is not really need for as close a realtionship as there usually appears when they do need a friend.

My mind wanders. So do I. There wasn't a place where I conciously lived longer than 5 years. Of course, there is the internet nowadays. But that doesn't make my companions stay with me longer, it rather makes it possible for most of them, to become companions in the first place.

I am one imaginary friend, this is what I am, this is what I do.