Set the people free

How's it going, Howard? Terrible! You always put a brave face on things, don't you (?) You under house arrest again? Somebody's making trouble between me and Pearl.
I've got enemies.
Pearl, for a start.
Somebody told her I'd been seen cycling with(M-A-R-I-N-A.
) As many as that!? Are you starting a club? (Marina!) Oh, Marinahrmphh! She goes bananas if she hears that name! What are you using on your windows? The best years of me life! I've got to get out for a break! HELP me! When I've finished this, she has awful plans for me with an emulsion brush! What are you doing? Giving your friend dancing lessons? I was showing him the double-handed death grip, my love, as practised by tribes deep in the jungle.
On the waistcoat!? Must be useful when they meet someone in a waistcoat deep in the jungle (!) Get me out, Cleggy, for a break.
You're on your own, Howard.
Start tunnelling.
There's no way to get him out.
She's got eyes in the backs of her curlers, has Pearl.
It's an interesting technical problem.
It's suicide.
She may be small, but Pearl would tackle her weight in ferrets.
She's only human.
Get Howard's opinion on THAT.
It's like being covered by radar.
There's always a way if you plan.
Just a minute, Pinocchio! He'll be out again in no time.
It may seem like no time to you, but how does it seem to HIM ? Terrible.
But how else will he know she loves him? "Loves"! Certainly! He's lost touch with his roots.
If you repaired those trousers, we could ALL lose touch with your roots! Have they got a hole? There! Oh, I thought tha meant a NEW one.
What are you doing with that fork? Just pointing.
That's no place for a catering fork! Put it down! What will customers think if they see things like THAT on the end of a fork!? Still want to tackle the females round 'ere? There is man's superior intellect.
There's what, Mr Utterthwaite? Man's ability to overcome superior female cunning by the use of his God-given intellect and reason.
Are you with me? I like your tie.
It IS nice, isn't it, Norm? Oh, sorry Here # Ta-ta-ta-ta-TA # It's NOT beyond our capacity to spring Howard for a break.
Did he say "our"? I think he did.
You can't be unmoved by the plight of that poor little .
.
twit? If I tried, I could get deeply unmoved.
No bother.
You can't just forget Howard.
Who's Howard? Never heard of him.
You must feel something! A fellow male confined to his house for decorating purposes.
Oh, we definitely feel something.
Deep apathy.
# Apathy birthday to you! BOTH: # Apathy birthday to you # I feel something.
I know what it's like, locked in wedlock with someone unsympathetic.
It's not bad on cold nights.
Clean shirts.
What about LOVE? I had me ferrets.
Love IS a clean shirt.
There must be more.
There was more to a SHIRT then.
A pair of long socks and you'd hardly notice the gap.
If only I'd met Marjorie earlier.
Marjorie who? Earlier.
Marjorie Earlier.
Another one! There isn't a spare husband in town.
What's tha doin', Wal? Washing these emulsion brushes so we can start another colour.
Life's full of interest.
One giddy sensation after another.
Drop it for a bit.
Tell her tha's coming for a walk.
I suppose I could.
Good! Be quicker than taking an overdose.
What are you doing? Let me go! Take him away before he drops us all in it! I was just going to tell her.
You'll thank us one day, Seymour.
What was all that? Nothing.
Just a vision of freedom.
Don't spill that all over my yard! A fleeting vision of freedom.
Why are you talking to yourself? THAT'S no place to go for sensible answers.
Hey-up, someone's been here before.
Yes, that's possible.
We're not the first white men up the Orinoco.
There's a bus stop up the hill.
There's probably a bus stop on the Orinoco now.
There's a lot o' wiggly things.
Sounds like the last bus.
Swimming through an old pram wheel.
Visit your local beauty spots and dump your old pram wheels! Why would anyone bring an old pram wheel all the way up 'ere? Maybe it's a primitive form of contraception.
It's all buckled.
I expect that's why it never became popular.
What will you do with it now? Do with it? Now you've made it your responsibility.
Next question.
Very public-spirited (!) Fetch it out again! What would I want with an old pram wheel? It's your chance to show your appreciation of the countryside by removing its litter.
What if I can't find it? Of course you can! It's not the Orinoco.
I bet the Orinoco's full of pram wheels (!) It went over there.
All these films - people shrieking in piranha-infested waters.
Is it deep? Does it look deep? I bet they're not piranha at all.
They're treading on old pram wheels.
It does in parts.
That looks deep.
Rubbish.
BOOTS SQUELCH "Is it deep?" "No, it's not deep.
" "I mean, does it look deep?" You great nit! A little hole.
You overlook one little hole.
BUZZER Marjorie.
Come along.
I've given you the codeword.
Open up.
Marjorie.
MARJORIE! I've never known anybody with a door called Marjorie.
What about Marjorie "Daw"? This is Your Master's Voice! You bitch! You're supposed to be programmed to open when I say MARJORIE!! Mind the catch! Why Marjorie? Who was Marjorie? It's a very personal memory.
I'd rather not talk about it.
Mind the catch Aargghhh! THUMP! Marjorie and I were very close.
Not as close as I was to that flamin' catch! SQUAWK We have to have a plan.
I wish tha'd have a plan for getting some more chairs.
A plan to help Wally and Howard escape to a few hours of freedom.
I always think better in my gown.
I always think better in my surgical support.
Sit down! Norm, I'm in detention.
Howard and Wally are in detention.
I love them both dearly but they're not very bright.
Simple natural justice demands that we do something.
Simple natural cowardice demands that we leave well alone.
I've got to live next door to Pearl.
If she gets in a bad mood she starts shampooing every carpet, and the noise drives you potty.
Then, for a week, you're living in this hothouse atmosphere of tension and damp carpet.
It's like Tennessee Williams.
And I live next door to Nora Batty.
I can't do anything to upset our tender relationship.
Since when has it been tender? Where she hits me with a yardbrush.
There, that's very tender.
Feel it.
I can't believe your attitude! You don't think we can do it? You're giving in before we start!? Don't you see it as a challenge? I wish I'd had you on the playing fields of the Utterthwaite Academy! One thing I drilled into my little men was THRUST.
We can't all be great ballplayers in the game of life, but you can have THRUST.
I used to see them limping off, covered in splatter and blood.
You can call me sentimental, but Where are you going? Come back! Still at it, poor devil.
Maybe he likes helping Pearl.
You know damn well he doesn't.
In fact, I remember him saying, "Oh, Compo, I do enjoy helping Pearl about the house.
" How can you tell such bare-faced lies? I just keep a straight face.
You're Howard's neighbour.
You know the truth of his miserable life.
Total security.
Three meals a day and all his thinking done for him.
So, he gives up a bit of freedom.
It's a bargain.
So why sneak off with Marina? Because Nora Batty's not available, that's why.
It's all right for some (!) Smile, Howard.
Underneath, he's happy.
It's just that his face looks .
.
miserable.
Well, it's just an impression.
It's a damn good impression.
I'd give me right arm to get out for an hour.
Did you hear that!? Who the hell wants yer polishing arm? We were asking Howard if he was happy helping you round the house.
Well ? Of course I'm happy helping Pearl round the house.
You better be happy, cos you're stoppin' 'ere! What do you want out there for? World full o' silly beggars.
Look at that lot down By heck, she's got a nimble tongue.
She's giving him some stick.
Stop listening to people's private conversations.
Private? They can hear her in town.
People sometimes make a noise when they're happy.
Twaddle! I'm going to give that man a break.
It'll be his leg if she catches him.
She won't object if I'm in charge of him.
She's an international at objecting.
I didn't become a headmaster for nothing! I'll break her objections by sheer force of personality.
Face-to-face? Well, naturally face-to-face.
I've been reconsidering my first impression that we needed some elaborate plan.
We don't.
I shall simply knock on the door and say, "Look here, Pearl, Howard needs some fresh air.
"I'm going to take him for a stroll," and bingo.
Then she'll mark yer card.
What can she do? She'll think of something.
I'll be back with him in a jiffy.
Right - countdown.
Well, he'll be at the door by now.
He's knocking on the door.
Pearl is coming down the stairs.
Pearl opens the door.
"Now, look here, Pearl" Countdown.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1 On second thoughts, we need a plan.
It would be great if you can, Wesley.
OK.
Aaaaagh! I'll sneak him out if it kills me.
It's become personal now.
That woman was quite unreasonable.
For Pearl, she was restrained.
Restrained! You call assaulting me with an emulsion brush restrained? Yes, compared to what she'll do to us if she catches us taking him out before he does his chores.
I should have had something stronger.
She's not going to catch us.
We'll rely on speed and surprise.
If you get much speed out of me, I'LL be surprised.
We'll use Wesley's Land Rover.
That's not noted for its speed.
It'll do, and it's the right height.
We stop outside Howard's upstairs window, ladder across, Howard steps on to Land Rover and we're away.
Leaving Pearl downstairs, unaware.
It doesn't sound like Pearl.
She can't be alert all the time.
The thing is, you're dealing with marriage's finest here.
They are the SAS of wives.
The Nora Batty Armoured Division.
Right, my turn.
I'll have a nice large whisky.
You're driving! You'll have a small beer! I'll have a small beer.
See what I mean? It's evolutionary.
Years of exposure to treacle pudding and you get this creature superbly adapted to serious housekeeping.
Nora Batty was not built in a day.
It's only her stockings that keep falling down.
Drink up.
Let's get this show on the road.
We halt Pop the ladder across We'll be in and out in 10 seconds.
Relax.
We're not doing a bank.
Just rela-ARRGGHHH ! (Right, ladder across.
) (Hurry up!) (The ladder!) MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY ON LAND ROVER RADIO Now what? I know those curtains.
That's MY house.
Wesley's overshot.
(Back up!) What? LOUD MUSIC FROM RADIO (Back up.
) Wha-at? (Back up!) Wha-at? (Turn the music down!) I can't hear for the music.
HE TURNS RADIO OFF TURN THE MUSIC DOW Back up.
We're at the wrong house.
Back up.
ENGINE STARTS Stop! He's got a ladder in his stocking! Don't worry.
We'll be in and out in 10 seconds (!) What the blood and stomach pills do you think you're doing!? Tell her.
Aye, tell her, tell her.
Fire drill.
Fire drill? Yes, fire drill.
OK, chaps, I think that's all for today.
Pack up.
Your timing's slow.
We'll never win the Brigade Trophy at this rate.
THEY MAKE SIREN SOUND: Na-na, na-na, na-na (All clear.
) Excellent.
I thought we'd fox them if we came this way.
It's certainly foxing ME.
Just hold on to that boat.
I'm trying! That's our escape route.
Why don't we just use it and GO? No! I'll show you what thrust is.
Keep tha voice down! No, I will not give up! It's not the Utterthwaite way.
I shall snatch Wally from under the very nose of Nora Batty.
She's nowhere in sight.
Up you go then.
Lure her away.
Flowers! Chockies! Right.
Get her away from here just long enough for us to get Wally out and in to the dinghy.
# Whoaa, whoaa, whoa-aaa, whoaaa! Whoa-aa-aaa # # "Won't you come into my parlour?" Said the spider to the fly # I've got choc-olates and flowers # And a twinkle in my eye # # Though I # Get back! # Though I am a perfect gentleman, I'm hoping for the best # To see my sweetheart in her vest VERY DEEP VOICE: # In her vest.
# Where's he going? Has he gone completely musical? # I love my little Nora in her vest # That's the time I love her the best # Wally! MILITARY-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS A-ha! Whoa-ho-ho! THAT way! AIR HISSES BBC Scotland - 1987

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