dadjokes

I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.*
How does a joke become a dadjoke? When it becomes a-parent!*
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.*
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!*
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.*
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.*
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.*
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.*
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing it just waved.*
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.*
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.*
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!*
Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.*
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.*
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.*
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.*
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.*
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.*
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'*
Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!*
I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.*
What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where's Pop Corn?*
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.*
What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!*
Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.*
What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!*
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!*
What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.*
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.*
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.*
I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.*
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!*
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.*
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.*
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.*
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.*
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!*
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.*
What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.*
Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.*
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.*
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.*
What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.*
7 is an odd number but to make it even take away the s.*
How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.*
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.*
Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.*
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.*
It takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh.*
A concert for just 45 cents. 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!*
What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!*
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!*
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.*
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!*
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.*
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble pieces, I am not looking forward to my next vowel movement!*
Love is like a fart, if you have to force it it's probably crap! #dadvice*
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.*
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.*
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.*
Did you know that the first french fries were not cooked in France? They were cooked in Grease.*
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.*
How does cereal pay its bills? With Chex.*
Why did the photo go to jail? It was framed.*
What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”*
My IQ test results came back. They were negative.*
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A well-fed polar bear.*
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.*
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.*
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.*
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.*
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.*
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.*
Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.*
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this*
If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.*
People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.*
Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.*
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.*
What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.*
I don't get why bakers aren't wealthier. They make so much dough.*
I asked your mom if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were mostly 7’s and 8’s.*
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.*
What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.*
I know your mother told you you could be anyone you want to be. Just remember, identity theft is a crime.*
Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? Asking for a friend.*
“Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.*
What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.*
How do you make a water bed bouncier? Fill it with spring water.*
Where do dads store their dad jokes? In a dad-a-base.*
I tried to start a professional hide-and-seek team, but it didn't work out. Turns out that good players are hard to find.*
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac literally takes everything.*
You used to be able to get air for free at gas stations, but now it's $1. That's inflation for you.*
I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.*
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.*
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.*
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked each of my eighteen brothers and sisters but none of them have any idea either.*
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!*
Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”*
A father tells his son that he was adopted. “I want to meet my biological parents,” the son demands. “We are your biological parents,” the father responds. “Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in twenty minutes.”*
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.*
A dog gave me my MRI. Dad dogs can't operate MRI machines. I know but Catscan!*
As a child I prayed to God for a bicycle, then I realized God doesn't work like that, I stole my bike and prayed to God for forgiveness.*