ALEX: Hello, and we're back with Neath Port Talbot Local News. I'm Alex and I'm here with my co-host, Lily. Lily, would you care to read the news?

FIRST STORY: Over 100 firefighters have been recruited to tackle an exceedingly large tire-fire in Neath.

ALEX: Isn't that tragic? I'm serious, like- that's a hundred fucking people who burned to death!

LILY: [doesn't quite understand]

ALEX: It's tragic! Why can't they use water? We've got a hosepipe ban but why can't they make an exception? Damn this cruel world, we at Neath Port Talbot Local News support the abolishment of government institutions, and all-

LILY: [cutting me off, explains that it's water and not humans and "tackle" doesn't mean physically tackle]

ALEX: Right. Uhm. Well, IF that's the case, I hope our editor shows me some proof and subsequently some corrections. ANYWAY. Would you care to read the next story?

LILY: [asking if i wrote this]

ALEX: No, why?

LILY: [explains that it looks handwritten]

ALEX: Just read it, would you? God, I could do without the second-guessing, right?

SECOND STORY: The moon is getting closer

LILY: [reads story, is kind of annoyed at the nonsense story]

ALEX: [cutting you off] I KNOW what you're gonna say, you're gonna say that this is false, but look- I did some research, and last week the moon was a tiny bit smaller. I could see it, and now... NOW it looks bigger! How do you explain that?

LILY: [explain that this isn't news]

ALEX: Okay, well what do you think is news?

LILY: [mention the fire story]

ALEX: Fine, if that's news to you, then...

LILY: [reminds me that i called for the abolishment of government institutions]

ALEX: Fine, and? Again with the second-guessing, just read the next story.

THIRD STORY: Economy at an all-time high

ALEX: That one's good. That's good news- and you know what they say about good news, it's no news. So fuck off Lily, that doesn't count. Read another.

LILY: [refuses]

ALEX: Hey, you know it's your job, right? Just read it.

LILY: [refuses to read it until i start behaving professionally]

ALEX: Well guess what, news-flash for you, news isn't real. But anyway, that's all we've got time for today. See you next time on Neath Port Talbot Local News!